Is it okay if ...

I can't do complex numbers?
I can't do physics?
I didn't do much these two weeks?
I have nothing to do even though there is work somewhere somehow?
I sit here and daydream all day and night,
waiting for time to pass?
I don't pick myself up from this mess?
I remain silent and let everything fall into place, even if eventually it doesn't?
I cry every night just to wake up the next day feeling the same shit all over again?
I need someone to save me from this?

I give up now?

120/365

Today marks the end of the bowling competition. It was a really good experience, meeting different bowlers from other schools, seeing their bowling styles and techniques and being impressed by their team spirit.

So the competition happened over these two weeks. Singles on Monday last week, followed by doubles on Wednesday and quarters on yesterday and today. Shared the lane with Janice for the singles and doubles so we basically had a great time laughing and joking around. We were probably the most relaxed players because everybody else was so competitive and stressed up (the guys in the lane next to ours didn't talk throughout and positioned themselves away from each other) so we decided to lift the moods up a bit.

Met weixuan at his house so he could drive janice and I to OCC on wednesday which resulted in me waking up at 5am and stood outside his condo for 30+min while waiting. The car ride was fun though although I was mad tired. Bowled as usual with a decent score. The lanes in OCC are much more slippery than that in CSC so we had trouble getting used to it. Skipped school on Monday and Wednesday which was great because sorry I hate school. I think I'll need time to adjust to normal school days again (seriously Thursday and Friday please don't come so soon + thankful for labour day holiday tomorrow).

Quarters game these two days was really intense. All the bowlers were so determined and bonded and the feeling was great. Had AC guys next to us yesterday and I'm glad they're friendly. One thing I realized was that girls tend to be more competitive (and hence more unfriendly) during the competition hm. So we just encouraged each other throughout the 3 games and it was probably the more stressful games I've had. Really put in effort to focus and bowl accurately.

Today we had MJC guys next to us and they're nice so all was good too. I like the part where we just had high fives and fist bumps to encourage each other though haha. Bowled average but my last game was really screwed I guess I was tired/sick/hungry so I couldn't concentrate anymore? Was demoralized in the middle of the game already I wished I could stop bowling. Wasted my strike with gutters but I'm glad I had 2 spares in the 8th and 9th frame to pull my score up a little.

As of now, I'm on the shuttle bus on my way to northpoint. Really tired now considering the fact that I woke up at 5 today so I'm gna crash on the bus home later. Goodnight (it's only afternoon now).

118/365

I've worked so hard to keep that feeling away,
I won't allow anyone to mess it up again.

116/365

And most of time I push people away because everything is just so much easier with less people in your life which means less questions to answer to and also less ups and downs to pull through.

Because yeah I'm just tired and I have no energy to carry on further because KE=GPE=mgh thank god my physics didn't fail me because now I know the higher you get, the more GPE you'll have which also means a higher KE and so you'll crash so much harder because it's something to do with the conservation of linear momentum and physics finally made sense.

How is it that you just can't control some things when all the while you are in control (or at least you thought you were)? Why can't there be a remote control and let everything go smooth with just a press on the button? Or at least the power button so I can switch everything off -everything around me and inside of me. Or maybe one day it'll run out of battery or go nuts so everything will be out of control which is what is happening now. Out of control. Brb while I work on my apgp to find out how long that'll take because perhaps it's a geometric progression without a sum to infinity.

And so time is running out and I'm running out of stamina and everyone is running away too and running is tiring .. Can we take a rest and let everything come easy?

115/365

Time check: 1:45am. Currently lying in bed and rushing out this post before I go to sleep.

Really tempted to post about my bowling experience already (a'div is not easy man) but I shall wait for the entire competition to end before doing that.

Today was quite an alright day and went back to a normal day considering I missed school for 2 days this week because of the competition. And ignoring the fact that I was late for school and only reached at 10 because I figured out that since I was already late and that the first period of PE, I can be later. So I woke up at 7.50am (I guess I could have made it in time for school if I cabbed but no I spent too much this month) so I just waited in the house (started on some work) and left only at 9. Managed to reach school within an hour yay me. Went up to the tennis court to find half of my class slacking and the other taking napfa so I joined in and slacked for the last 15 min or so.

Skipped recess then and went to study in the library with rachel who introduced a new studying corner that is pretty conducive. Got hungry halfway so I went out to grab a sandwich. Then it was back to class for boring math.

Skipped lunch then because I was still full from the sandwich and so did rachel because the vege stall didn't sell bibimbap today. Went back up to find shi hui to go for physics consultation (main highlight of the day) and took so long walking up and down to find mr yeo. Smart me peeped into the staff room and spotted his balding head so we found him finally.

Physics consultation was GREAT. Clarified so much about quantum physics and honestly it's way better than tutorials. Thankful for mr yeo who is so patient and supportive even when he had 4 straight hours of lesson and a great lunch (which made him sleepy) before our consultation. The consultation was so useful I can still remember how an increase in the frequency in radiation will increase the KEmax of the photo electrons emitted and that an increase in the intensity of radiation will increase the number of photo electrons emitted per unit time. And I also finally understood the graphs (which made no sense to me initially) so all is good!! Tbh I'm looking forward to the next consultation already. We chatted with mr yeo too and he's just so friendly he even told us he treat us like his children so he can be more patient with us haha

The day ended with econs tutorials which didn't make much sense but I'll do something about it. Came home and slacked (as usual) and changed the theme of my phone which I love right now. That took me 2 hours to finally decide on a theme and to add in all the necessary features. Which is also a reason why I stayed up so late tonight because I swore I was going to finish my econs bop notes and my inflation self-notes. So they're done (let's ignore quality for now).

As of now, I'm really tired and yawning and time check again: 2:00am (I took 16 minutes to type this good job fingers).

Picture of a cute pug below because I love pugs and yeah I got that from tumblr ok bye

110/365

Second time I'm spending my Sunday at the airport. Last week was to send my parents off to Langkawi and this week was to send daddy off back to HK.

Felt like my weekends were wasted this week because I didn't do much other than going for training on Saturday and then airport trip today. But nonetheless, I was happy (perhaps because I had excuses not to do work). I should be feeling guilty though (which I do) but more happy than guilty currently. I just love family time, just sitting around and chatting about everything. Thankful for this family really.

Before daddy entered the departure gate, all he told me was to work hard and concentrate and this will all come to end soon. A good one perhaps. But all I could reply him was 'Bring me. Bring me along with you.' Getting really sick of everything here and going to the airport is just so close to me leaving this place. And I hate that feeling. So close yet so far. 201 more days and I'll be out of here.

109/365

I don't need a listening ear if it is deaf.

107/365

How is it that a small flaw can offset all the effort you have put in?

105/365

Accidentally alighted a stop earlier so I had to walk to the mrt station instead, which led to me missing a train so here I am, sitting at the platform updating the blog about my not-so-interesting life.

Saturday was the e-gen challenge (read previous post) and Sunday was the trip to the airport to send my parents off (yeah they're going overseas while I die here with school). The day was great, it was like an escape from the cage that has been holding me in since forever (i.e simei) and I had so much fun laughing at everything and just being crazy with my sis. We felt like cool dudes wearing fbts in the airport because we were quite sure we are the only ones doing that at that time so yeap, cool. Had lunch, took photos (something I haven't done in ages) and basically just loitering around waiting for my parents to leave for the departure gate. Satisfied my red velvet cake craving too, the one at coffee bean is not too bad and I had cheap thrills refilling cold water at the counters countless times. Went home with the sis later on that day, bought dinner and watched drama as we ate. I love life. Did some work too in case I feel too guilty to sleep that night before school starts again.

Didn't sleep well because the clock kept ticking and so I started my Monday being half awake. Got back our econs and math papers for mcts. Pretty decent results I think (I know I know, never be satisfied). Econs result made me annoyed because for a few of my papers, I have been missing just 1 (or even less) mark to the next grade. Which is plain irritating. Math paper was good (for once). Topped the class with an A (to my surprise because I was just hoping for a B) so I'm happy but slightly upset at the same time. The emotions kind of offset each other so I was just emotionless. I'll have to work so much harder to maintain that grade (which I got because I was just really lucky) so the stress is coming.

Today, supposedly a good day because it's short, wasn't that exciting afterall because lessons are just so boring and I'm getting irritated by every little thing. Will be heading our for good dinner later. Can't wait.

I get hopeful too easily and end up being disappointed all the time.
That's the problem with me.

102/365

Today is perhaps my most fruitful saturday ever.

Participated in the CDL E-Generation Challenge 2013 (#egen2013 hashtag all the way)with my classmates and it was really fun yet tiring at the same time.

Woke up at 5am in the morning (almost killed me) so I wouldn't be late since I was supposed to meet janice at Dhoby Ghaut at 6.40am but I was still late (by a bit) in the end. The bright green #egen2013 shirt was so striking I could easily spot participants from a few mrt cabins away. It was of good material though (plus it's free so oh well). Met janice and then we strolled towards the red line where we met florence on the way. We weren't the first to reach for registration though (seriously guys, why are y'all so efficient kiasu) but all was good when some of my group members settled down while the others went to register with me (I'm such a useless group leader hah!). The registration process was so tedious, I was glad we finally registered and got our 'survival' kits. Decorated the banner as soon as we got our pack (I saw other groups peeping over haha too bad for them) and took some photos before the race began.

Set off at 8.26am at the starting line and was the only group that ran around and in the opposite direction (because our bus stop was at the back). Thank god for linyao and valerie who know the bus/mrt routes so well!! Found the bus stop, took some photos, took the bus and reached the Marina City Gallery. And we also figured out our positions in the team: Linyao & Valerie as the route directors, shi hui as our galloping unicorn mascot, Janice as the 'real' leader, Rachel as the photographer and I as the timekeeper. Anyway, at the first station, janice, valerie and linyao took the skipping section of the game while rachel, shi hui and I took the quiz part. A little upset because it was only at the last minute that they informed us that there was actually a stretch of wall (with most of the information we needed) at the place where we thought was the toilet. Did quite well for the quiz though, only had one wrong answer.

That station ended and we ran back to the mrt station, boarded the train to Vivo where we took a bus to the Henderson Waves (tbh I didn't know this place existed if it weren't for this race). Climbing the stairs up to the Henderson Waves already took half of our energy. The station game there was crazy I swear, my legs almost died from all the running. The stupid map did not help at all so we wasted quite some time trying to figure that out. Took photos with 4 landmarks and had to run back to report within 4 minutes (which is impossible considering we all had 2.4km run yesterday for napfa and hence muscle aches all over). Exceeded by a minute in the end, which is actually a pretty good result (although the game masters couldn't see that), and so we scored a 0 for that station. Heartless people. We got slightly demoralised and wanted to quit the race and go home since there's no way we could win now but we decided to complete it still so we headed to the bus stop.

Headed to our third station (Kallang Riverside Park) for dragonboating which turned out quite fun and hilarious. I'm glad I can put my bowling arm to use because the paddling isn't easy at all. Reached the opposite shore to complete and short game of completing a given phrase (e-v-e-r-y-d-r-o-p-c-o-u-n-t-s) and so during the game I was basically frantically running around trying to find the letters. Went Paddled back to report to the game masters and headed back to City Square Mall for the final station.

The final station was much easier I guess since we already completed our banner on the way back (which was part of the criteria to begin the last station). We had to get a stranger to post a status on his/her facebook and screenshot it (completed it as soon as we begin because this guy wanted to give our uniqlo flyers to us and in exchange help us complete the task), use recycled items to make percussion and wind instruments (which shi hui, rachel and janice desperately ate up the snacks to get the packets) and search for a phrase in the mall and memorise it. Reported to various game masters and we completed the game 2 minutes before time was up. So the race officially ended and we sat around eating our lunch while waiting for other groups to come back and also the prize ceremony.

The other group from my class returned and lunch together was fun. Before the prize ceremony, there were some stupid percussion activities and the class basically made fun of it haha (best part of today I guess). And also throughout the prize ceremony, we were hoping to win the iPad mini in the lucky draw and of course, get a prize at least. Sadly and as expected, no iPad mini. And unfortunately, our groups didn't win any award too. BUT surprisingly, DHS won the 'Institution Challenge Award' because we had the most number of groups joining (which is kind of a lousy award but it's still an award so I don't care even though we cannot keep the 1000$). Cheapthrill to the max, we squealed and screamed and laughed and took a photo with the huge cheque on stage. Dream come true.

So after the entire event ended, we went for food and just chatted which was good. My brain was too tired to function to say much and left for home after we finished eating and when they decided to head to the arcade to use the vouchers given in the goodie bags. So all was good and today was really a day to be remembered for life.

p.s. I'm prepared to get another round of muscle aches tomorrow and I think I wouldn't be able to run long distance considering the state of my lousy leg (alliteration intended)

100/365

Everything feels so surreal right now.

Today was an overall great day (despite it being a long day) with good news.

Started off the day with Ms Teo telling us to buck up on our econs because our econs MCTs grades were shocking. I'm not expecting much tbh. Tutorial ended soon enough and it was geog lecture (which meant the returning of our geog MCTs papers). Surprisingly did better than what I had expected and I'm really thankful for that. At least my week of cramming info into my tiny brain worked (a bit). I feel more relieved than happy to be honest and for now, I just hope I can maintain this grade (I'll have to work so much harder oh no). And oh the pressure I can feel it coming already. Please, no.

Then it was math lecture and I was yawning throughout because statistics is a really boring topic. And also the lecturer was almost monotonous. Geog tutorial afterwards which made me slightly confused about atmo but uh I'll do something about it. It was lunch then and the release of PW results.

6C12 has 100% A! Everyone was so hyped up and some shed tears of joys but I was pretty emotionless throughout. I have no idea why too but I guess a part of me expected an A but the other part of me was prepared for a B. So basically I was just confused throughout. Went to the zxy to take a class photo and some photos with my PW group. Really thankful for my group, all those fun moments we spent baking and filming, all those rants and small conflicts and all those late nights... it all paid off. I'm really thankful for my group for being the most efficient (more like kiasu) and always trying to do our best for the report and presentation too. Self-motivation works. Time spent with them was really well spent and it was really a great experience I'll never regret.

The day ended off with GP then mass PE (which rachel, janice and I left early because we couldn't be bothered).

As of now, I'm worrying about my 2.4km for napfa tomorrow because there's something wrong with my right leg that wouldn't stop acting up when I run.

99/365

High hopes.

PW result release tomorrow (and also geog mcts result but I couldn't be bothered with that for now). I don't even know what to expect. I hope I get an A of course but I can also imagine myself breaking down with a B. I know B isn't that bad a grade, but I really put in a lot of effort in this and I hope efforts=results for once. Please. I hope I can contain myself if that doesn't happen though. I wouldn't be able to vent it out during mass PE tomorrow too because (look at point 2 below). What if I really don't do well? What if everyone else did well except for me?

And then I crashed.

P.s
2 things that pissed me off/bothered me today:

1 People keep telling me I made wrong choices and suck at doing things. That's not going to help and it's not very encouraging. It just annoys me when people think it's funny to insult me just because I can take it. Yeah, most of the time I try. But too much is too much. I'm not a joke. Who are you to laugh at me? So you think you're much better? Good for you then.

2 Couldn't even start on my third round around the track this afternoon. My right leg is a hindrance and the pain is stinging. I don't know how I'm going to do my 2.4km on Friday.

96/365

The past two days have been busier than usual, with careers day in school followed by the e-gen challenge briefing and bowling the next morning. And now I'm just seated down here in my room, in front of my geography notes and blogging. These few days I have been thinking too. Thinking of people, about my life and worrying about my future.

Anyway, careers day in school just made more hopeless about my future. The day started off with a keynote speaker who scripted her supposedly-interactive speech and it was all so unnatural. Wanted to sleep during that hour but something kept me awake. It ended too soon and we left for our pathetic 30 minutes break before heading back to class for an inspiring session by Mr Lu about how to finance and prepare ourselves in the future. It was supposed to help make clear our paths but uh I guess I just got more confused. How about just marrying a rich (& handsome & buff) guy and be a tai tai? Sounds good.

Headed for the first talk (by SPH) and it wasn't that bad I have to say but I was too occupied with my 7x7 game. And also getting annoyed and refused to interact much. I don't get it, really. Why is it that people think that just because we are close, it is alright for basic respect to be compromised? I don't understand too that why can't they understand that people have limits? I can take jokes, but anything beyond my limits, you better back off. I emphasize a lot on respect I guess, like if I respect you, then the least you can do is to reciprocate. I demand nothing more than that so it's not very difficult right?

Anyway, back to careers day. Skipped the two other talks and went straight for the exhibition instead (in case freebies ran out and also to avoid overcrowding later during common slots). Got some booklets from different universities which had booths there but I'm still not certain about what I want to take in university (if I can even make it there in the first place). I'm beginning to worry too because it seems like my friends know what they're interested in already and I'm just wandering around like a lost sheep. Seriously, throughout the exhibition, all I was concerned about was nothing but freebies (don't judge). There's this weird feeling that have been bugging me since then but uh, whatever for now.

After the exhibition, we headed to the canteen to pack up a little and read the booklets (although I was totally uninterested). We sat, read and ate free garettes popcorn. Waited for a bit till the rest met us before we disperse to different destinations (some went home, some went out and for me, it was to go to dhoby to shop a bit before heading to city square mall for the e-gen briefing).

Took the bus and chatted a little with the rest and reached soon after. Shopped a little, rachel bought her stuff and I bought some discounted scrapbooking paper to make my phone covers. Left for farrer park then because time was running out. Located the management office, got our free shirts and settled down for the briefing. It was funny throughout though since we were making fun of almost everything. It ended after an hour and we went to the toysrus to fool around.

Time in toysrus was well spent, laughed around, played with hoola hoops and skate boards. I think we all forgot we were in school uniforms and just acted like children. Took lots of photos and it was good, really. It has been quite some time since I've really enjoyed myself.

Left for dinner at subway (yay to cold cut trio in honey oat bread with honey mustard and sweet onion sauce for only 5$ - my all time favourite) and joked and laughed so hard. Janice left afterwards and rachel decided to get a hair cut so we went. I hope she likes her hair now, else I'll feel bad. Joyce got hers done too and their hair looked good. Was tempted to get my hair cut too but decided not. The day ended with us training home.

Woke at 7 the next morning (my Saturday sigh) for bowling training at OCC which is at yishun. Thank god Janice told me about bus 969 so my trip there was shortened by half an hour. Reached earlier than expected in the end and met her at north point mall for sharetea before taking the shuttle bus to OCC. The country club looks good but I hate the lanes. Too slippery and skills dropped to all time low, lousy scores for the 3 hours and juniors did much better which made my time there worse. Ended soon enough (thank god) and Weixuan gave us a ride to the bus stop (else we would have to wait for an hour just to get an empty shuttle bus). Bus ride home was peaceful, slept a bit before waking up because a baby was crying so loudly (poor thing). The day ended with some math done and dinner at tampines.

That concludes my past 2 days (shall exclude today because my life is just so boring) and now it's back to my geography notes.

P.s This coming week will be filled with ups and downs because I'm getting back my PW and also my MCTs results. Please let it be good.

93/365

Took the MBTI test online just now and my personality is ISTJ. That is an almost exact opposite from what I got about 2 years ago (INFP). Was it the (happy & unhappy) experiences I had that changed my personality? Was it the people I met? If yes, then which experience and people affected me? I hope it's a good change though.

Here's what I got from the internet and it's almost entirely true.

Introversion (I): How you direct your energy and relate to the world around you. ISTJs prefer spending time along or with small groups of close friends.

Sensing (S): How you take in information from the environment. ISTJs prefer to focus on the details rather than thinking about abstract information.

Thinking (T): How you make decisions. ISTJs make decisions based on logic and objective data rather than personal feelings.

Judging (J): How you orient yourself to the outside world. ISTJs are planners; they like to carefully plan things out well in advance.

Some of the main characteristics of the ISTJ personality include:Focused on details and facts
Realistic
Interested in the present more than the future
Observant, but slightly subjective
Interested in the internal world
Logical and practical
Orderly and organized

ISTJs enjoy an orderly life. They like things to be well-organized and pay a great deal of attention to detail. When things are in disarray, people with this personality type may find themselves unable to rest until they have set everything straight and the work has been completed.

Because of this need for order, they tend to do better in learning and work environments that have clearly defined schedules, clear-cut assignments and a strong focus on the task at hand. When learning new things, ISTJs do best when the material is something they view as useful with real-world applications. Concrete, factual information appeals to ISTJs, while theoretical and abstract information has little value unless they can see some type of practical use for it. While they may exert tremendous energy into projects they see has valuable, they will avoid wasting time and energy on things that they view as useless or unpractical.

ISTJs are both responsible and realistic. They take a logical approach to achieving goals and completing projects and are able to work at a steady pace toward accomplishing these tasks. They are able to ignore distractions in order to focus on the task at hand and are often described as dependable and trustworthy.ISTJs also place a great deal of emphasis on traditions and laws. They prefer to follow rules and procedures that have previously been established. In some cases, ISTJs can seem rigid and unyielding in their desire to maintain structure.

People with this personality type are usually very loyal and devoted to family and friends, but may struggle to understand their own emotions and the feelings of others. They can be quite reserved and sometimes fail to pick up on the emotional signals given by other people. However, once they are close to a person and develop an understanding of that person's feelings and needs, they will expend a great deal of effort toward supporting those needs.

90/365

Happy 1st April (yeah that's the joke).

So the March 'holidays' and CTs period is over and life is back to its old boring state with less ups and downs and more sickening school work. I hope this term would be a good one, less angst and more joy. Today (first day of term 2) wasn't that bad I guess, other than the part where I was dying in the 1.5 hours GP lecture with gastric and a bloated stomach. Got my birthday card all signed by the class (made by rachel) and most of the wishes written in it told me to be less stressed and complimented me for being hardworking (which I really am not). I'm thankful for the notes from the class really, but it also kind of stress me out because I really don't study that much (and the CTs results will prove it all). They sound like expectations that I'm supposed to keep up with? Or maybe I'm taking those passing remarks too seriously? I really don't know. Oh and not to forget, the day also began with Ms Teo telling me I was really careless for the CTs (econs) and that she originally wanted to use my paper as a benchmark (?? Note: wanted) so I guess that means a really lousy paper done. I treat the whole MCTs as a practice of course (I managed to convince myself that) but I feel so inadequate right now. I haven't been doing my best and I know it so it's just my bad.

So these are the things that have been bothering me today (hopefully not tomorrow) and I'm glad I can write it down here. Personal stuff here.