it's what I call destiny

Some things happen because they were meant to be. I've learnt to take things lightly, accepting things that come by and letting go of what's meant to leave. Someday someone will appreciate what I have to give. They'll know that behind all these I've shown on the surface, there's much more I can offer. Someday someone will stay here with me and that's because they are meant to be. I believe in destiny.

71

前世的五百次回眸

才能换得今生的一次擦肩而过

•

相爱是缘，相守是分

世间万物

有緣则聚 无緣则散

75

“And you taught me what this feels like.


And then how it feels to lose it.


And you showed me who I wanted.


And then who I wasn’t.


And you ticked every box.


And then drew a line.


And you weren’t mine to begin with.


And then not to end with.


And you looked like everything I wanted.


And then became something I hated.


And you get thought of every day.


And then not in a good way.


And you let me leave.


And then wish I’d stayed.


And you almost killed me.


But I didn’t die.”

Iain S. Thomas

76

When will it be different

I thought it would be

But it turned out the same

That I'm still that small and insignificant

I thought I might be more

But then again

Who am I

I'm just another stranger

Lost in this concrete jungle

Trying to find my way out

The right way out

I want it to be different

But I'm not in control this time

I can only leave it to fate

Or I can dream

I think the latter works better

78

The full moon is out again tonight. Finally.

I've missed that pearl so much it hurts a little to see an empty sky every night. Moon gazing sure has its therapeutic effect. I want to be like the moon someday. Alone but not lonely. Bright but not glaring. Being loved but not proud. Everything is from within. Maybe someday I could be like that too. Maybe someday I would be able to stop everything that's happening right now and just sit under the moon. Pause. Take a little break. Take a deep breath. Be confident and secure once again. Be true. I'll wait for the day when I feel genuinely happy again. 

I'll wait. And I'll smile.

79

It's a crazy period. Everyone's going crazy. I'm not acting normally either and I can tell it. Other than the part where I still stone halfway while doing work and taking unnecessary afternoon naps. But the thing is, everyone is under stress. And we are changing. We're all turning into people we wouldn't want to become.  Everyone starts to think, or over-think, so much that it hurts. It hurts themselves, it hurts others and it's a lose-lose situation. Nobody is really happy now. There's just so much to worry about.

As for me, I'm changing too. And I can feel the change. And I hate it. I'm beginning to think/ feel so many things that I thought I wouldn't in the past. I feel for myself now. And the more I do, the more I feel scared. I feel lost. Every day. Every night when I'm supposed to pack. What am I supposed to bring for school? What should I be doing? Essay or sums? Which subject? But I haven't revised. Then what should I do? So many questions every night and it's wearing me out. I'm still uncertain about my path, I don't know if it's the right way and where it would bring me. And pressure builds up as I see everyone else getting themselves sorted out, they know, they know what they're doing. But I don't. I don't know how long I can take it and every second I think about giving up. They said it'll be fine right? They did it and they survived. So maybe I could too. What if? What if there are so many what ifs that I can't even be sure if I'll make it?

80

Stop telling me what to do

Stop deciding for me

Stop making me do things that you think will make me happy

Because you're not me

You will never understand what makes me happy

Stop asking why I am sad

I can't feel it anymore

I can't differentiate between sadness and happiness anymore

I'm afraid one day I would have forgotten the things that could make me happy

And I would be stuck in this darkness forever

Before it's too late

Let me go

Let me go

84

Let's watch the fish struggle

Struggling to swim

It's drowning in the waters

The more it swims it sinks

But how could that have happened

Did someone hurt its fins

People watched and stared

And were surprised to hear it scream

But everything happened underwater

It can only die in its dreams

The fish tries to head upwards

Aiming for the sky

But the more it struggles 

The faster it's gonna die

Something is anchoring it down

Though nobody could see why

Nothing else was in the waters

Except the stream of lies

Now the fish is hitting the bottom

Desperately gasping for air

It's drowning in its tears

There's only so much it can bear

The fish is almost dead

And it finally questioned why

Why the heavy burden

Why the emptiness inside

It wants its last question answered

Why can't it ever swim

But nobody has the answers

As to why it would only sink

86

“The moon is closer to the sun than I am to anyone.”

you know that feeling?

that you've expected more but you were disappointed instead? 

no you don't

you know nothing

I can't tell genuine from fake anymore

but I understand

people love themselves

and there'll never be a time when they decide to give more than what they get

because when we were children

the experienced ones taught us

to love ourselves

to protect ourselves

to help ourselves

everything else is secondary

we are the center of our lives

the world revolves around us

nothing else matters unless you want it to

we learnt that

we have the power and we are in control

we can hurt others but we cannot harm ourselves

we can upset others but we must stay happy

we can give nothing but we must have everything

and for those who didn't learn from these lessons when they were younger

they get penalized when they grow up

說好了一起出石頭

怎麼我出了剪刀

你出了布

87

what if I can't make it till the end

The End

88

it might

it might not

but just keep believing 

fly away faraway

I want to leave

I want to leave behind everything, things that define me, things that limit me and things that kill me slowly silently

I'm a coward I need to escape

I just want to be happy

Why is it so difficult

I want to fast forward in time and know how my life would be

I want to know if I failed or if I succeeded

I want to peek into the future

I want to know if all these would be worth it

They say it's for the better

They say it'll do me good

But I'm insecure and I want to know answers

I want definite answers

I want to wander aimlessly and know it's fine

But what do I deserve if I don't give

What am I left with if I don't give

What do I have to offer if I don't give

What's my worth if I don't give

How much then should I give

do what makes you happy

yeah go ahead live for yourself

you've got to be your own hero

because everyone is too busy

trying to save

themselves

Thankful for the upcoming 5-days holiday, or simply a break from school, because I need so much time.

But that would also mean me skipping school but honestly, don't tell me about "there's a time for everything", there really isn't. Trust me.

What do you have to offer

You think you're good

But not good enough

Your head held high

Clouded

You know nothing

You think you're everything

You're worth nothing

What are you capable of

Nothing

we'll be there someday

what are we doing here

why are we searching high and low

fulfilling requests

completing tasks

achieving dreams

other people's dreams

when can we stop

to think

to ponder

what we really want

what's the best for us

why don't we know

why do we leave it to others

to decide for us 

we live once

we live a good one

once is enough