Saturday, November 30, 2013

Wow

Post As has been traumatising. First two days didn't go that well: my kanken broke, couldn't get my app, couldn't buy my superga.. What's next. 
Feeling slightly uneasy now, other than muscles aching all over from all the shopping with Clara yesterday and today with mommy. It's tiring but I like it. For a moment I didn't know what I would choose: studying or shopping. Both are tiring, one mentally another physically. I guess that periodic homesickness is back to haunt me. Can't wait to leave suddenly, like I don't want to be approached or anything. I want to be disconnected with the world and live in my little box. Maybe it's because of the things happening these few days. I don't know. I thought it wouldn't bug me but... afterall, anything you cannot control makes you nervous because you wish you could. I wish I could help but it's between them. I can't because I'm helpless too. Maybe going back would work? Maybe if time stopped or maybe if I bothered to care more maybe it'll be different now?

I don't know.
What if it happens and I don't ever trust love anymore?

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

this time tomorrow

Thank goodness blogger's post page is finally fixed
This time tomorrow: good riddance.
I'll scream and jump around like a mad cow tomorrow and I don't care if people laugh because I DON'T CARE. Whoop. To be honest, I'm really not prepared at all for tomorrow and I'm only beginning to read the essays now hoping that something would diffuse into my small pea brain. I mean, honestly, who cares how the urban area has changed over time. I don't. I just care whether I have a space to live and car to travel. I do so that's good enough. Ok that sounds selfish but really? Maybe housing, traffic and socio-economic problems are more useful but urban is really not my thing. I honestly miss physical geog. I would rather do another physical geog paper. Anything but human geog please. I'm not good with fluffing/paraphrasing/rememberingmodels. I mean unless the models are cara delevinge or mirander kerr then that's a different story all together. Okay crap aside. 9 days to Hong Kong. 3 months bound. Time to breathe in some authentic hong kong air (ignore pollution) and cantonese. People here are putting me off. Oh yeah and stop acting like y'all know my place.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Can't

Cannot concentrate at all
Cannot remember at all
Too much coming up and I'm so ready to let everything go
I can't settle down anymore
In this living room with stacks of notes piled in front of me
I hate this view
That television is supposed to on
The room is supposed to be blasted with music that annoys everyone but me
The time is to be spent doing nothing and just breathing knowing that you're still alive
what's better than to know you're still alive
I've lost so much I've got nothing to lose
Nothing can break me nothing can stop me nothing can dictate how I live
2 more days 2 more days
I'll scream and shout and jump around because I don't care anymore

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Pen down

I guess it's increasingly difficult for me to pen down what I really feel. Like my thoughts and all. Because everything is so haphazard and most of the time I don't even know how to put them in words (should have bucked up on my English sigh). But maybe it has got nothing to do with the language because I can speak fluently (I think) and I can respond coherently. The thing is, when it comes to noting down what I really feel and think, it's always difficult and I'll end up 1) typing one whole chunk of words and deleting it 2) typing one whole chunk of incoherent words that don't really make sense 3) typing super short sentences that made me look like I'm trying (hard) to write a poem when I'm really not. Why am I so problematic?? I think I still type best when I'm rambling about random shitz that don't affect my life (like what I do on dayre so maybe it's better to read there) though. Ah. 

Friday, November 22, 2013

Really Reality?

A dream is a wish your heart makes.

Had such a great dream last night, which unfortunately forced me to wake up on my own this morning because it struck me that dreams are always opposites of reality. I didn't want to continue the dream, it was too good to be true, so I stopped dreaming. I woke up. It hurts to leave something so beautiful and never to be able to return but that's the best for me. Perhaps waking up from a dream like this would increase the chances of it being real? Fat hope.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Days left

6
s i x

I started counting down from 3 digits to 2 digits and now 1 digit that's less a week. Deep down inside, I hope it doesn't end. Because it wouldn't only mark the end of the papers, it marks the end of so many things I treasure too. How will it turn out? Maybe something miraculous will happen, maybe it wouldn't. Maybe it'll never ever happen. Maybe if I wish for it hard enough it will. I don't know. Maybe I'll miss this place when I leave. I might be able to, for once, know what I want the most. Who knows?

原來日子消逝 情分不會死

原來又想起你 仍舊那滋味

人就算不一起 還是最喜歡你

連場舊戲從來未忘記

模擬位置留下我和你

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

I can't

Can't get anything into my head
I need to remember them all over again
I can't
My brain is not helping
I can't
I can't even do what I could in the past
That was the past
Why did things change why did I change

Monday, November 18, 2013

It's caving in

Hollow
emptiness 
There's this gush of sadness that is overwhelming me. I know where to begin but I don't know how to end it. This kind of day calls for a stay in bed and so I'm back here in my little place cuddling away. I don't want any interactions as of now and I'm just tired. Too tired. Today was supposed to be better, but that doesn't seem so true. I didn't want it to turn bitter, so why did you have to? Now I'm all alone here, tasting my solitude. Nobody stays till the end, people come and go as they like. I'm convincing myself I'm used to it and I'll soon forget you.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

18

Eighteen more days till I leave this place.

I'm beginning to feel afraid now. What if I thought I would love to be there but turns out I weren't? What if I miss the things and people here, something I wouldn't expect myself to? How, then, can I really be happy? Time is passing by too fast and it's all coming to an end. I don't know if this is the end I have wanted all along but I really would love to know how sweet liberation taste like. I'm nervous for the change. I'll be alone, something I've always enjoyed, but what if too much of it changes me instead?

Friday, November 15, 2013

More than some face

Just why do people think it's okay to leave without a word? Like it's perfectly fine for them to disappear as if there was nothing to begin with. And do they even think about how the person they leave behind will feel? No, I don't think so. I have met too many people like this. And it bugs me that they can't care enough. Or perhaps I look like a figure interesting enough to keep them entertained. And when they realised, hey no, she's worse than boring, they leave. Then please, tell me what's the point? I'm sick of meeting people like this. They ought to look way beyond my surface to understand deeper. But ironically that's what they look for. I guess that's why our Y generation is dying, everybody lives shallow and they have too short an attention span to look deeper into things, or people in this case. I have more to offer. And I'm definitely not what I appear to be. I guess this is what they mean by time will tell. But who would be there long enough (not to mention patiently) to really go beyond that level? I'm still waiting for that one person. I wouldn't mind waiting forever, I'm prepared. 

Thursday, November 14, 2013

I'm good enough for something,

I just haven't found it yet.

I tried. Maybe it wasn't at the right time, maybe not the right people, maybe not the right place. whatever it is, I tried. But there's no way you can make a bird swim and a fish fly so let's just leave it as this. What's meant to be will always find its way, right? 21 more days, I'll be gone. I'll take a break, I'll be away, I'll be out of here for good. Nothing to be left behind, severing necessary ties and bye. I don't care anymore that nobody cares because who cares at the end the day? I've got those I need and that's enough. The world isn't something I can contain so why try too hard? I don't care anymore if people ever talk about it because this is me and my life. I'm sorry I live that way. No traces left, nowhere to be found. I need a place where nobody knows me. I'm going home.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

But daddy...

"I just want to be happy."

"You'll be happy be soon. Press on, two more weeks to go."

"But daddy, I'm tired of this already. I don't want to play this game anymore daddy. I'm sick of seeing 6 years worth of work being reduced to those alphabets that mean nothing at the end of the day."

"It's the rules, it's the society and to be part of it you can't do anything about it. Accept it. Like what I said, 2 more weeks."

"But daddy, I just don't want to do it anymore. I need to find a new place. What if I can't get into any universities? Where do I go?"

"Everyone reaches the same end point. It's just a matter of which path you take. You can take a longer time, you can take a shorter time, all of us still end up the same."

"Daddy..."

"Now go to sleep. You need some rest."

My late night convos with the dad lately. Every other night I question about the point of all these exams. We take them every year, why can't we accumulate our results and just let it be? Consistent effort is worthier, isn't it? But these are the rules, you don't change rules because rules are rules you're supposed to follow. I hope I reach the end point safe and sound though. Maybe that's the least I could ask for now. I need to find a new place. Soon I'll be gone. For good.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Ten things I learned before I turned twenty

“1. When your friends ask you to hangout, and you don’t feel like it, don’t go. Don’t ever do things halfway or do something that makes you uncomfortable. With everything, give all of yourself, even the pieces you never knew existed. 

2. It is okay to not know. Everyone always despises the phrase, “I don’t know” but no one tells you that it is okay to not know. The becoming is more important than the being, anyways.

3. If someone ever makes you feel less, in any way, you have every right to walk away. You have every right to cut out toxic people in your life. To close the door on people who make you feel bad about who you are or what you stand for. Friends don’t tear down, they build up.

4. Loss is always going to happen. Just like paint will always chip and rain will always fall, loss will always be part of life. No matter how much I don’t like it, or avoid it, it is going to walk my way at several times in my life. Learn to embrace it and learn to get closure. 

5. Give yourself a chance. Stop saying, “I don’t think I can” or “But what if I am not able to?” and give yourself a chance. This may be cliche, but try to believe in yourself. When you get older, your knees won’t work the same and you won’t have the best memory, and you are going to wish you’d given yourself a chance years sooner.

6. Fall in love. Don’t be guarded before you fall in love. You could fall in love three times and still not find the right one, but none of it is going to make “the one” matter less. Don’t fall into that idea that your first love has to be your best love. Fall in love as many times as it naturally happens. 

7. Firsts are going to be messy. First loves, first kisses, first dates, first failed tests, first college class, first time you drive a car, first time you ride a plane - first times were made to be imperfect. Just because it’s messy and all over the place, doesn’t mean it can’t be good or worthwhile.

8. You want another scoop of ice-cream? Go get it. Get three more scoops of ice-cream if that is what you want. “Fat” is not the opposite of beautiful and it is not the opposite of happy. Don’t let anyone tell you that your body type isn’t beautiful. Beauty is a social construct, create your own, become your own.

9. Let yourself be alone. Loneliness is not a bad thing. It is healthy and normal. Everyone needs to spend a good portion of their life alone. We learn who we are when we are alone; life is less crowded and more clear when we are alone. 

10. If you aren’t happy where you are, change it. Quit your job, move, become a vegetarian, get a new hobby, pick up an old hobby, whatever you do - make sure it benefits you. Life is too short to not be alive, to not be passionate, and overflowing. ”

- Amanda Helm

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Maybe

Maybe I'm losing myself in the process
I lost my temper again and I was so rude to my dad. He was trying to teach me but I snapped at him for being naggy. I think it's the headache though. That's no excuse but really. I guess I'm just really mentally tired. Like my brain's weighing on my shoulders and I can't even sit up straight now. They said I look too happy and too carefree when this period is supposed to be the toughest of them all. And it is. I just don't show it. Every time mommy questioned why I have so much time on hand to go around the house talking nonsense, my heart died a little. She doesn't know. They don't either. I have got no time left but I just want my time to be worth it. I know I could do much more but I'm sick of it and all I want is to be happy now. Well, at least they said I look like it. I have so much left untouched and I don't even know where to begin. Perhaps by the time I start, it's going to end. I'm just really tired. And it's math tomorrow, the subject I've labelled favourite since primary school. I like doing math and the thrill you get when you tick off one question because you've completed it? Perfect. I have been doing math religiously these few weeks, something I have not been doing since forever (even though it's a subject I enjoy), so I really hope it'll pay off. I mean,  doing 2 papers every day would have killed me in year 5 and I really can't believe I even bothered doing that this period because I didn't even bother revising for math for prelims. Ok yeap so please just let this work. This period needs to end soon. I know worse things are coming up and I'm not quite sure if I'm prepared for it but I'm also looking forward to the end already. 18 more days.

Friday, November 08, 2013

Underperformed

Or have I never performed? I don't know. I was left stranded before I even reached half of it. The more I write, the less I understood myself. The longer I held onto the pen, the more I felt like I'm loosing grip. Yes. That was how it went. And it went terribly. Tragically giving me shivers up till now. I know. No. I don't know. How could this have happened? Why now? Why not earlier? Why me? Why today? All these ran through my head and the more I thought of it, the smaller I felt. I saw people. They were happy. They were happy because they did exactly what they were supposed to do. They have every right to be. What about me? I stood at the corner, I couldn't wait to leave. I needed some alone time to recuperate. I need me, myself and I only. I took my dad's advice and took deep breaths to calm down. But the more I did, the more I begin to choke and then it was tears. Flushing down like a waterfall, the droplets so beautifully and gracefully threaded to slide down my not-so-smooth-anymore face. I feel so weak instantaneously. I'm glad by then I was already alone walking home. Thank goodness no one saw. Have I not improved? Have I worked so hard for the past years just to end up like this? Why me? Why? Why?

Thursday, November 07, 2013

What scares me most

right now

I guess... Nothing? And that is actually the only thing that scares me. I've finally reached the day when my app countdown shows the single digit that I've always dreaded (or looked forward) and it makes me excited. It's going to be over before you realised it started, I told myself. That always happen. I'm scared, I get nervous and I screw things up. My vision blurred, my thoughts gone haywire and I just end things the perfect way I didn't want them to be. But this time, this time, it's different. It's supposed to be the biggest of them all. And yet right now, all that's in my mind is: hey what's the worst that can happen? Maybe I'm really saturated (or maybe not). Maybe I'm just sick of this paper-chase that is boring the hell out of me. Education is not the pursuit of recognition that is represented by those alphabets (not even all 26 of them). Perhaps it's a little too late that I've only realised that right now. Education is not a competition. Something that I was cheated into joining and blinded into chasing what people view as the top. Education is about loving, enjoying and appreciating what you love. These few days, I've been doing math. I've always liked doing math. It gives me the self satisfaction that writing essays couldn't. I've been reading. Reading slow and even though the only thing I'm reading now are my notes (ebooks downloaded safely to be read after this hurdle), I'm enjoying it. I wow at every new thing I discover like "wow Egypt is in Africa!" and "wow China's EPZ are amazingly and strategically located along the coast!" (pardon me for not sounding like an intellectual student) I'm amazed by how I amazed myself when I learn things that may not be of significant use for the papers I'm sitting for but I'm actually genuinely interested in. The more I look into the world map (still the Mercator projection sorry), the more I see. I must have been blind for the past 17 years and 10 months. Sorry self. Whatever the case, I have to stop I'm sorry because time is running out and it's already late, I finally understood education. Learn what you love and you'll love what you learn. Simple as that. This wouldn't be of much use for my papers considering I still have tons left untouched at this point when it's starting in a day's time, I'm glad at least I finally see it now. The light at the end of the tunnel isn't the end of education, but the beginning of it. 

Tuesday, November 05, 2013

25 Things To Do Before You Turn 25

1. Make peace with your parents. Whether you finally recognize that they actually have your best interests in mind or you forgive them for being flawed human beings, you can’t happily enter adulthood with that familial brand of resentment.
2. Kiss someone you think is out of your league; kiss models and med students and entrepreneurs with part-time lives in Dubai and don’t worry about if they’re going to call you afterward.
3. Minimize your passivity.
4. Work a service job to gain some understanding of how tipping works, how to keep your cool around assholes, how a few kind words can change someone’s day.
5. Recognize freedom as a 5:30 a.m. trip to the diner with a bunch of strangers you’ve just met.
6. Try not to beat yourself up over having obtained a ‘useless’ Bachelor’s Degree. Debt is hell, and things didn’t pan out quite like you expected, but you did get to go to college, and having a degree isn’t the worst thing in the world to have. We will figure this mess out, I think, probably; the point is you’re not worth less just because there hasn’t been an immediate pay off for going to school. Be patient, work with what you have, and remember that a lot of us are in this together.
7. If you’re employed in any capacity, open a savings account. You never know when you might be unemployed or in desperate need of getting away for a few days. Even $10 a week is $520 more a year than you would’ve had otherwise.
8. Make a habit of going outside, enjoying the light, relearning your friends, forgetting the internet.
9. Go on a 4-day, brunch-fueled bender.
10. Start a relationship with your crush by telling them that you want them. Directly. Like, look them in the face and say it to them. Say, I want you. I want to be with you.
11. Learn to say ‘no’ — to yourself. Don’t keep wearing high heels if you hate them; don’t keep smoking if you’re disgusted by the way you smell the morning after; stop wasting entire days on your couch if you’re going to complain about missing the sun.
12. Take time to revisit the places that made you who you are: the apartment you grew up in, your middle school, your hometown. These places may or may not be here forever; you definitely won’t be.
13. Find a hobby that makes being alone feel lovely and empowering and like something to look forward to.
14. Think you know yourself until you meet someone better than you.
15. Forget who you are, what your priorities are, and how a person should be.
16. Identify your fears and instead of letting them dictate your every move, find and talk to people who have overcome them. Don’t settle for experiencing .000002% of what the world has to offer because you’re afraid of getting on a plane.
17. Make a habit of cleaning up and letting go. Just because it fit at one point doesn’t mean you need to keep it forever — whether ‘it’ is your favorite pair of pants or your ex.
18. Stop hating yourself.
19. Go out and watch that movie, read that book, listen to that band you already lied about watching, reading, listening to.
20. Take advantage of health insurance while you have it.
21. Make a habit of telling people how you feel, whether it means writing a gushing fan-girl email to someone whose work you love or telling your boss why you deserve a raise.
22. Date someone who says, “I love you” first.
23. Leave the country under the premise of “finding yourself.” This will be unsuccessful. Places do not change people. Instead, do a lot of solo drinking, read a lot of books, have sex in dirty hostels, and come home when you start to miss it.
24. Suck it up and buy a Macbook Pro.
25. Quit that job that’s making you miserable, end the relationship that makes you act like a lunatic, lose the friend whose sole purpose in life is making you feel like you’re perpetually on the verge of vomiting. You’re young, you’re resilient, there are other jobs and relationships and friends if you’re patient and open.
— January Nelson

Sunday, November 03, 2013

Quitter can't quit

I don't want to do it anymore
I don't even want to count days anymore
I'm scared
I'm sick of this
But I can't quit
I can't quit now
There's no way out
I'm on the verge of self destruction but I don't even know how
I don't want this to mark my efforts all these years
I just want to be happy
Why is it so difficult?????????
I need this to be over
Or else I'll be over

Saturday, November 02, 2013

On Call 36 小時 ; The Hippocratic Crush

"当苦难发生的时候,人怎麼老喜欢问为什麽,我想可能是人忘记了,这其实是我们生命中必经的一部份,所以当死亡接近我们的时候,我们会觉得很惊慌无助,我们便会不停地问为什麽。只要我们认真地记住,每个人其实都会死,我们就会懂得珍惜馀下来的日子。"



"每个人对生命都有不同的期望 
有些人是为了自己 
有些人是为了满足别人   
但从来没有人能保证 
这些期望何时可以达成    
如果期望真的无法达成    
那是否该坚持下去呢?    
也许期望会带来痛苦    
但正因为有期望    
就算有多痛苦我们都可以熬过去    
所以即使多么害怕失望,多么怕痛    
也不可以失去期望    
  
剧作家莎士比亚曾经讲过    
期待是唯一能够医治苦难的药物    
我更加觉得当你悲伤的时候    
期望就好像一首能安抚伤痛的音乐    
能够达成期望当然是一件开心的事    
但有时候我们的期望    
会违背了其他人的愿望    
难免就要做出取舍    
放弃哪一个期望都要付出代价    
但是除了你自己    
没有人会告诉你应该如何抉择    
有些期待可能不关你事    
你会不明白为何有些人愿意牺牲性命    
也要追求一些不会有结果的期望    
但若用心感受,你便会学会    
每个期望或轻或重都是值得尊重的    
可是无论期望带给你安慰,快乐,还是伤心    
能够期望与被期望都是幸福的事    
因为我们还生存着    
就算有多少个期望落空    
我们也可以拥有新的期望    
直到生命的最后一刻"