I finally got to know about this today. Yeah, that I'm such an embarrassment. I'm ashamed of myself. I'm disgusted. This year is a really tough year. & I was the root of all problems. I'm the one to be blamed. I created troubles for myself, I made myself so tired of school & I was sick of everything at a point in time; now I regret. But it's too late to regret because what is done, is done.

I used to think that what will be, will be. And so I left everything to fall into place itself. But I was being naive. because things don't fall into place unless you do something about it. If you leave it to fate, you'll have to be prepared to fail when everything crashes down like nobody's business. These few days have been extremely tiring for me, I know I'll become stronger after all these, but all these is killing me inside right now. I find it difficult to breathe when I'm trying to control my tears. I seldom cry but I'm becoming pretty emotional these few days. This is a good thing actually. I need my emotions back because I guess I've lost them quite some time back then. I felt nothing in the past. I was alright with everything. & now I think too much. I overthink & overthinking leads to negative thoughts. I can feel the change & it is scary.

All these sound so exaggerated but they're all true. I don't lie about feelings. I just don't let them out most of the time. I used to hate typing lengthy posts because I tend to forget what I want to type when I'm doing the post & so I replace them with photos instead because uh well, a picture speaks a thousand words, no? But now I've got so much on my mind I can't contain them any longer. Probably that's why I'm feeling so mentally-tired these few days.

To be honest, I don't know when all these begin to go wrong. & how did I even let all these happen because they obviously shouldn't. This is indeed a very good & memorable lesson learnt, which I'll remember for probably the rest of my life. I didn't expect myself to be going through all these, really, but when everything starts to go down, like really deep down, I realised, hey no, I'm doomed because I can't seem to find a solution to these problems. & I continued to let the situation worsen while I have the 'nothing-will-ever-go-wrong' mindset. I should have believed in myself & that I can be much much more than what I am currently. I can be so much better.

I felt v happy for those who got what they deserve tdy, but at the same time it's like stabbing me ten thousand times, not because I'm jealous, but because I knew if I had worked harder, I would be one of those beaming in joy/heaving a sigh of relief. But yeah, obviously I wasn't. In fact I'm worse than that.

I have to thank those who asked about me today, when I was going through a pretty tough time in school.

I have to gather my thoughts tonight as I think through what I've done, what should've been done & what I'm gonna do to get things right. Things have to be good. They better be. Because if I really work hard & things don't work out, I really don't know what I'm going to do.