Two posts in a day
Wow
I probably have too much to say
Too much on my mind
Too little time
Too little space
But I'm still going to post it
Because I'm in control
Today was a really simple day, one of the days I felt relaxed and zen while everyone else had a great/bad time at the beach (oh yeah sports carn). I don't know. I gave it up and chose to stay home because I just don't feel like it. And when people ask me why, I couldn't answer. There was no answer. You know that feeling you get when you know you wouldn't enjoy doing something? Or that feeling you get when you know you can do something that makes you calm? Yeah I get that a lot and I choose to do things that kept myself sane. You know I probably should regret not attending an event which would perhaps be the last time in my life unless I decide to attend it again next year without feeling awkward or ashamed but yeah, I didn't. And not to forget the fact that I gave it a miss last year as well. But nope, I was fine. Totally fine. It would have been a crazy day waking up early, travelling all the way to the other side of the country and sitting by the beach enjoy/wasting my life away but today was my usual wake-up-at-12, lunch and grocery shopping which I really really enjoyed. So no regrets.
And so I had time today and I think. I think I think a lot. I don't know if it's good or bad because I might be overthinking but yeah. I like to evaluate my life, analyse people and their behaviour. Sometimes it amazes me, but most of the time it disappoints me. Just this afternoon when I woke up and checked my phone I was worked up and upset because I realised trust is just too big a word (hence the previous post). Yeah you know that feeling when you thought you can trust someone and then they decided to give it up and all you're left with is feeling betrayed or a simple quick stab right through you? Or maybe the problem is that I expect too much. So maybe I'm the problem. That I (used to) think that (most) people are genuine because it really turns out they aren't. One problem with people is that everyone is self-centred. The things they do are ultimately for themselves. I admit I am self-centred too and that's why I chose to do things for myself even if they might upset others. And it is precisely this problem with being self-centred that makes people lose trust. Because they do things only for themselves and can't be bothered about other things. Well at least I made sure I don't/try not to fall short of people's expectations (unless maybe I decided to pair up a picture of sky with my count down because I'm not sorry that I'm too cool) so why should others?
I'm going to end the post abruptly
Because unfortunately I lost my train of thoughts
Although this is a blabbering post
I meant what I said
That I'm beginning to lose trust in people
And that I learnt that
Ultimately
You can only trust yourself
