256/365

As much as I know I'm going to do badly (yes like really badly) for my JCTs, I'm still not prepared for the results. I know common tests are graded anymore (omg no prelims please) but I just can't help to feel nervous about it. I kept preparing myself for the worst because that's the only thing I can do right now but I know I'll never be prepared. I am already imagining myself being upset tomorrow and I don't want to lose my temper. I choose to believe I'm in control but when am I ever in control? Or when am I ever using this gift wisely? I don't know how I'll react but I hope I take it easy as it comes because I really don't want to embarrass myself on the first day of (normal) school. All I know now is to take deep breath and calm myself down from all that occasional homesickness I'm getting because I'm running out of solutions to help myself feel better. I feel so trapped I need people to stop telling me what to do. I know what to do I just don't feel like it right now and I know that's just an excuse but I really need a break like a real break to let me get away from all these crazy shit stuff that's weighing me down. Maybe sleeping can help me temporarily but I can't sleep forever (or maybe I can) and something is to go to bed at night because that would mean I have to wake up again in the morning to face the world and I'm so sick of that routine and to have nothing to look forward to everyday. I wish I can slow down time so I do things at my own pace or feel less guilty not doing fast enough. But then again I hope time flies so I can fast forward to the time when I leave this plane for good. To be honest I really don't know what I want.