It was you
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Monday, April 28, 2014
Sunday, April 27, 2014
A night to remember
I know I asked for closure
And my prayers were answered
It's not the best I had wished for
And my prayers were answered
It's not the best I had wished for
But it could have been worse
And I am thankful
Thank you
And I am thankful
Thank you
Sunday, April 06, 2014
If I were
Maybe if I were a little happier
Maybe if I were a little more contented
Maybe if I didn't ask for more
I would end up
Happy
Contented
And I wouldn't have to ask anymore
Sunday, March 30, 2014
I don't get it
I keep myself so physically busy with things that don't even matter
To keep my mind off you
But apparently it doesn't work that way
Everything else is a fleeting moment
They don't last
Nothing lasts
You come and go
To and fro
As you wish
I can have a thousand moments
With a thousand others
But they are nothing
As compared to that one moment
With you
Monday, March 24, 2014
t i / r e d
I have my limits so don't test it.
Taking deep breaths work to some extent, it's like swallowing all the ugly words and never letting them out and I think I'm learning to master the art. It isn't easy to do that, especially all you want is to spill everything and let everyone know to not mess with you. I can do it ugly but I chose not to because I know how things will turn out. And I'm afraid it will happen again and I'll regret. I can suck it up, I can take it in and believe me, I am trying my best.
At some point in time, I am just tired. I am sick of having people walking all over me. I hate being nice and being taken advantage of. I am not a petty person and I can let it go. But there's a fine line between being kind and being weak. I have high tolerance for shit but I have my thresholds too. Don't forget that.
I am going to say this.
I am tired of this shit. I tried.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Inter view
Receiving the call halfway through my second day at work to inform me of an upcoming interview was such a surprise. At the moment, I was happy because: I am working and one of the (two) universities I've applied to has decided that I might be eligible. I mean, ignoring the fact that they interview all applicants. And then the next moment I began to worry. The English Language Test and the interview (mind you it's a group interview) all together at a go can be really stressful especially for someone like me, constantly stuck in the labyrinth of writing and conversing. I can write, trust me. I just can't put together the right words and sentences to make the entire thing flow. I can do discussions and communicate well. I just can't do it in front of a group of strangers who might be already judging me for the contents of my speech (or the lack of). Even though this course isn't my priority, I really hope to ace it and yes I checked online forums to be more mentally prepared but all it did was to frighten me. It was helpful in the sense that I understood how everything would supposedly be conducted tomorrow though. For now I am simply reading their brochures (yes I applied without reading brochures whatever) and randomly surfing the internet to get some inspirations, reading TC and trying to get the hang of writing. No you can't master writing in a day. Not even a year or two because look at where I am now. To be honest, I am not quite afraid of the comprehension and essay test tomorrow (even though the last time I had written was a few good months ago) because nobody will know what I have answered or written no matter how crappy they end up to be. I am terrified by the group interview because even though I know how to carry myself prim and proper, I have trouble voicing out and formulating my sentences when I feel inferior and inadequate. I am a good listener when it comes to big groups and I have always been fine with it. Interviewing would be stepping out of my comfort zone I guess. I think I can do better if it was a one-to-one thing or one-to-a-few but not a group. But then again, when life gives you lemons, you take them.
Friday, March 14, 2014
This is how it is ...
This is how you lose her.
You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her:
the sincerity in a stranger’s voice during a trip to the grocery store, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely.
You must remember when she forgets.
You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you:
your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you’re about to ask a question but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don’t even know about yourself, because she pays attention.
She remembers when you forget.
You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable. She wants to feel cherished. When you make her feel that you are fleeting. She wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate. She wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good.
You must learn her.
You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to.
You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept.
And, this is how you keep her.
- This Is How You Lose Her - Junot Diaz
You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her:
the sincerity in a stranger’s voice during a trip to the grocery store, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely.
You must remember when she forgets.
You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you:
your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you’re about to ask a question but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don’t even know about yourself, because she pays attention.
She remembers when you forget.
You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable. She wants to feel cherished. When you make her feel that you are fleeting. She wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate. She wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good.
You must learn her.
You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to.
You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept.
And, this is how you keep her.
- This Is How You Lose Her - Junot Diaz
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Working
I can't believe I'm saying this but I think I like working. Maybe it is true that Aries are born with restless energy and have to be kept physically busy. I like staying at home and do nothing but watch videos too, but working really makes me feel like I'm doing something productive. It also helps me step out of my comfort zone and approach more people, people with different backgrounds and experiences. It's a type of learning I guess. It is also tiring sometimes, reaching home late or having sore legs because all I do is stand around for >4 hours but a good work-life schedule just makes me enjoy both a little more.
It is challenging to juggle both but I like to feel busy. I really didn't expect myself to say this because when I was still in school, all I want was to be freed from hectic school schedules. Now I really like to fill the week up with work and outings just so I can spend less time sitting around. Or maybe this is a form of escapade, getting occupied to stop myself from (over)thinking.
While other things in my life are just embarking on a new beginning, some are coming to an end. I have worked for it hard, but sometimes things just don't work out the way you want it to be. This is fate I guess. What's meant to be will find a way. And it always will.
Saturday, March 08, 2014
What Responsibility?
Because you can leave anytime you want
It's like you can sever ties as and when you like
People like you hold no responsibility
Because you left anytime you want
I am responsible for what I have done and what I chose to do. Life is short and they said to live every moment so I took the easier path. It is a one-way road. I am responsible for what I have become and (in)capable of. I have no great powers but I still have great responsibilities.
Friday, March 07, 2014
Under A Blanket of Stars
"The second star to the right, shines in the night for you.To tell you that the dreams you plan really can come true."
Tuesday, March 04, 2014
The Try Hard
Came across photos of the Chanel catwalk show during the Paris Fashion Week 2014 on tumblr (and then realising there might be a glitch today because I couldn't reblog any photos since this morning) and the stage with the entire supermarket setting amazes me. Bringing fashion into a scene any average human can relate to is really creative.
Life hasn't been as amazing so far though. You think it would be, once you attain that 5As you have always wanted but I can tell you that hasn't been my case (if it were to happen at all). It is really disappointing to know that you can climb that high and fall down deep the next moment. It's like taking a step forward and got pushed back by 3 steps. And what's worse is that your family gets disappointed as well. I honestly thought the results I got would call for a celebration and prove to my parents that I am capable of something for once. I guess I just have to keep trying and trying harder.
University applications haven't been easy as well. Having a sister who's an undergraduate really helps a lot in the sense that I can always reach out to her for advice. I really cannot imagine filling up all the forms and going through all the cumbersome procedures all by myself. Being the youngest in the family always gives me the advantage to get help whenever I need it. Sometimes I do take it for granted (which pisses my sister off) because I get so used to asking for help I don't even spend a moment to think of a way out. It is also unhealthy because then I grow to be someone who's constantly insecure and lacking the confidence. I always need that double-check function in my life to help me get by because nothing I do myself seem to be possible. I guess this new phase in life I'm about to enter will force me to change. University applications is one hurdle I need to get across first. On a side note, applications would have been much simpler without the essay writing because (I refuse to admit though) I am not very good with words and structuring my thoughts and writing will somehow always be something I dread. Getting my fingers crossed for a smooth-sailing application. Can't wait to get enrolled into a university.
Life hasn't been as amazing so far though. You think it would be, once you attain that 5As you have always wanted but I can tell you that hasn't been my case (if it were to happen at all). It is really disappointing to know that you can climb that high and fall down deep the next moment. It's like taking a step forward and got pushed back by 3 steps. And what's worse is that your family gets disappointed as well. I honestly thought the results I got would call for a celebration and prove to my parents that I am capable of something for once. I guess I just have to keep trying and trying harder.
University applications haven't been easy as well. Having a sister who's an undergraduate really helps a lot in the sense that I can always reach out to her for advice. I really cannot imagine filling up all the forms and going through all the cumbersome procedures all by myself. Being the youngest in the family always gives me the advantage to get help whenever I need it. Sometimes I do take it for granted (which pisses my sister off) because I get so used to asking for help I don't even spend a moment to think of a way out. It is also unhealthy because then I grow to be someone who's constantly insecure and lacking the confidence. I always need that double-check function in my life to help me get by because nothing I do myself seem to be possible. I guess this new phase in life I'm about to enter will force me to change. University applications is one hurdle I need to get across first. On a side note, applications would have been much simpler without the essay writing because (I refuse to admit though) I am not very good with words and structuring my thoughts and writing will somehow always be something I dread. Getting my fingers crossed for a smooth-sailing application. Can't wait to get enrolled into a university.
A New Phase
I spent
1/4 of today panicking
1/2 of today crying
1/4 of today recovering
To be honest, I know very well that I am not defined by the grades I get. I know those unkind alphabets on the result slip are only there to remind me the effort I put in and the determination I once had. When I got my result slip, I walked straight out of the hall and burst into tears. I didn't expect myself to cry because I thought I would either do alright or I would not be affected at all. And the tears I shed, were not tears of joy or sadness, but a mixture of both. I was happy, but I was upset. I was disappointed because I thought I was improving. Language hasn't been my forte and I know it. I honestly thought I improved. I am not so sure about that anymore though. I don't even think I can write anymore. What is scarier than being unable to articulate properly? Yes, grades do not matter (ignoring the requirements for university applications) but it really reflects the extent to which I can reach out to people through words. A limited one at that. A lot more went through my mind this afternoon when I was still in denial of my grades. That is just a passing phase I guess. Now it is time to accept and move on because crying over spilled milk is always something I try to overcome and I will. No time No time There's no time I have to keep reminding myself
You're entering a new phase
Sunday, March 02, 2014
The Night Before
The day is tomorrow.
Tomorrow is the day.
The fear strikes and the human heart races upon hearing anything relating to r e s u l t s. There's no time for self doubt and expectations anymore. The future has already been cast in stone and it is just the matter of who knows it now. Tomorrow will be my turn to know, to celebrate or worry depending on what has been inked on the paper. I am nervous and I should be because I cannot guarantee a 100% that I have done my best. What if the best I thought I can only afford is not what even half of what I could do? The best that I thought I have done is matched by half of the efforts others put in. Relativity. I have that uneasy feeling every now and then and it kills me a little every time. I don't know if I am going to make it tomorrow and the comforting phrase of "what's the worst that could happen" seems useless now. I worry and I worry a lot. Whatever is going to happen tomorrow, please let it end soon.
Miracles do happen, like they did before.
But I'm afraid they only happen once.
Tomorrow is the day.
The fear strikes and the human heart races upon hearing anything relating to r e s u l t s. There's no time for self doubt and expectations anymore. The future has already been cast in stone and it is just the matter of who knows it now. Tomorrow will be my turn to know, to celebrate or worry depending on what has been inked on the paper. I am nervous and I should be because I cannot guarantee a 100% that I have done my best. What if the best I thought I can only afford is not what even half of what I could do? The best that I thought I have done is matched by half of the efforts others put in. Relativity. I have that uneasy feeling every now and then and it kills me a little every time. I don't know if I am going to make it tomorrow and the comforting phrase of "what's the worst that could happen" seems useless now. I worry and I worry a lot. Whatever is going to happen tomorrow, please let it end soon.
Miracles do happen, like they did before.
But I'm afraid they only happen once.
Saturday, March 01, 2014
No Risk Taker
I don't think I'll ever be ready for what's lying ahead.
Settling down and thinking about it really scares me. It is scary. It seems like it was just yesterday when you were that young and innnocent kid entering a new school, a new environment and meeting new people and the next thing you realised you are now a GCE A Level graduate. And then it is time to search for your route to continue this never-ending pursuit of achievements. It is tiring, isn't it?
I was just drafting this email to get a part-time job and it's already so tough. I have considered the fact that I may not get the job and there's really no harm trying but I cannot stop being so conscious of every single word I typed because I have to admit, I am afraid of failure. The environment I grew up in was a greenhouse. Protected, carefully managed and shield from all the storms present in the outside world. Yes I am thankful for what I have, but it is also the same thing that is holding me back. I am afraid of failure and I don't know how to handle them. I am always exploring, but only within the boundaries of my comfort zone. The things I can reach out to, they are always safe. I have never imagined myself stepping out and reaching far because I have always been contented with what I have. I want to accomplish big things but I am not confident enough to say "Yes I can" because I know I can't. I can climb the first few steps of the ladder because I know there'll always be somebody down there waiting to catch me. But the higher I climb, the more I doubt.
This world is a frightening one. I am entering the next big phase in life and every step I take is a risk. But what do I have to lose?
Settling down and thinking about it really scares me. It is scary. It seems like it was just yesterday when you were that young and innnocent kid entering a new school, a new environment and meeting new people and the next thing you realised you are now a GCE A Level graduate. And then it is time to search for your route to continue this never-ending pursuit of achievements. It is tiring, isn't it?
I was just drafting this email to get a part-time job and it's already so tough. I have considered the fact that I may not get the job and there's really no harm trying but I cannot stop being so conscious of every single word I typed because I have to admit, I am afraid of failure. The environment I grew up in was a greenhouse. Protected, carefully managed and shield from all the storms present in the outside world. Yes I am thankful for what I have, but it is also the same thing that is holding me back. I am afraid of failure and I don't know how to handle them. I am always exploring, but only within the boundaries of my comfort zone. The things I can reach out to, they are always safe. I have never imagined myself stepping out and reaching far because I have always been contented with what I have. I want to accomplish big things but I am not confident enough to say "Yes I can" because I know I can't. I can climb the first few steps of the ladder because I know there'll always be somebody down there waiting to catch me. But the higher I climb, the more I doubt.
This world is a frightening one. I am entering the next big phase in life and every step I take is a risk. But what do I have to lose?
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Thoughts
I'm finally blogging on my laptop again.
It has been quite some time since I've used the laptop for purposes as such because in the past 3 months all I did with my laptop was to switch it on, go to megashare.info and search for the past episodes of TBBT and watch. It was supposed to be more of 2BG but for reasons unknown the latest episode (S3E17) took 2 weeks to get uploaded so in that 2 weeks I started watching TBBT as a substitute. I tried watching Modern Family and HIMYM too but the plot and cast didn't interest me as much. So yeap, TBBT it shall be.
I'm having some time to blog because I'm currently seated down in the airport waiting to check in (which is at 6+pm but it's only 3:40pm now). Had to come in early because oh well reasons. At least I have got time to really gather my thoughts and type a wordy post. That is if I can come up with that many words.
I realised maybe blogging isn't really my thing. I do reflect but I do that most of the time on my bed at night (like 2/3+ am) and when I have some really good ideas/stuff to say which I really want to post, I tend not to because my phone is always charging (not really far from my bed but I'm lazy so ) and I believe I can come up with the same thing again when I have the time to post but really, I can't. Thus most of the time my posts contain incoherent ideas that doesn't speak much sense and volume.
I really can't believe my trip of 3 months in Hong Kong is coming to an end. 3 months is not a short period of time and honestly I can't recall vividly what happened in the first month. I did travel to Taiwan in the second so that should be the highlight. And the third month was... just going daily routines. This is how life would be if I were to live in Hong Kong (skipping the school part because it will be different in all):
On weekdays, I will wake up in the afternoon, have lunch and shop and then wait for my dad to fetch me at around 7pm and we will have dinner at 8pm. Then we will go down to Jusco to walk around until it's 9:15pm so we can make it just in time for the 9:30pm drama which is always better than the 8:30pm drama. And then after the drama I will go bathe at 10:30pm and come out at 11:30pm after which I will switch on the com and watch at least 2 episodes of 2BG/TBBT before I go to bed at 1:30am. I will only fall asleep at 3am because I will think of stuff while listening to the radio (my favourite music show airs at 2am).
On weekends, we all wake up at at least 1pm in the afternoon and then go for lunch. It will be either porridge, glutinous rice cakes or wanton noodles because we love those. Then we would go to the fruit stall a few streets away to get some apples and oranges and then back to Jusco to get berries (my favourite raspberries and blackberries and strawberries) and then return home. Mommy will be watching her horror movies on her tablet while daddy will be busy with his stuff (I don't know man) and I will be watching either 2BG/TBBT. We will then leave for dinner at 7:30pm and finding empty restaurants because those super commercialised ones will always be flooded with weekend crowds. And then we will go back to Jusco after dinner to look at things like furnitures and winter coats and head home to catch whatever is on the television. I will go bathe when I feel like it's about time or when the shows on television do not interest me and then watch 2BG/TBBT after I bathe until I go to bed at 1:30am.
I can't believe I can sum up my Hong Kong life in 2 paragraphs but that's somewhat all I do here. And I found out that diminishing returns do exist because retail therapy doesn't work as much when you're shopping EVERY DAY. I like the things they sell here though (which explains my bursting luggages). I call this life but I don't think it's considered as one by many because they would be bored to death. However, there's not really such a word when you're living in Hong Kong. Every day, there's something new and interesting on the news and radio, like people organising demonstrations, member of parliaments acting (in)appropriately and lots of debate going on regarding latest policies and etc, there's really so much going on every day in Hong Kong. And even though shopping at the same few places for the past 3 months would have been really boring to some, it really is interesting to just walk along the streets here. There's so much to see, to explore and it's always so happening. People rushing to and fro, walking because it's really impossible to stop you've got to follow the crowd and all the sounds of car engines.
Last night I was recalling all that has happened and then I asked myself if I could only choose a place to be my home, where would it be? Most of me chose Hong Kong because I've always wanted so but a part of me whispered Singapore. It irks me a little because I realised I can never really choose a single place to call home. There's so much I have in Singapore that there I don't in Hong Kong. I have an established house over there, with all my beloved belongings and it has always been a place I have lived in for 3/4 of my life together with the memories. And then there's Hong Kong, my place of birth and a place filled with my childhood memories. Not the part of me enrolling into kindergarten because I didn't really attended it here (I was in the first day and then the next day I was migrating) but the part of me playing on the carpeted elevated living room floor with the rubber floor mats and kitchen toys with my domestic helper. And then the time when I was always afraid of this uncle (who's now my favourite and friendliest uncle) and will always finish my food at the dinner table because he would stare at me until I gave in (my dad uses him to threaten me). And the other time I threw a tantrum and didn't eat my dinner and my dad locked me out of the house which I wittily and patiently waited because I knew he couldn't lock me out for long. And the time when I love walking on the sofa backing because I was so small and light and flexible. And the time when I vandalised the walls behind the sofa because I could. All those memories revolved around my house here in Hong Kong and even though my house had a huge renovation a few years ago, those memories stay with me forever. And so last night, I was feeling upset because I feel like I don't really have one exact home. I can't choose between the two and I can never choose. But then I realised, this is indeed something I should be thankful for. That I get to have two places to be called home, that I can still feel loved no matter where I am and that I have memories associated with these two places.
So that's it. I shouldn't be upset about something I should be thankful for.
This is an abrupt ending to this post because
it's time for TBBT
It has been quite some time since I've used the laptop for purposes as such because in the past 3 months all I did with my laptop was to switch it on, go to megashare.info and search for the past episodes of TBBT and watch. It was supposed to be more of 2BG but for reasons unknown the latest episode (S3E17) took 2 weeks to get uploaded so in that 2 weeks I started watching TBBT as a substitute. I tried watching Modern Family and HIMYM too but the plot and cast didn't interest me as much. So yeap, TBBT it shall be.
I'm having some time to blog because I'm currently seated down in the airport waiting to check in (which is at 6+pm but it's only 3:40pm now). Had to come in early because oh well reasons. At least I have got time to really gather my thoughts and type a wordy post. That is if I can come up with that many words.
I realised maybe blogging isn't really my thing. I do reflect but I do that most of the time on my bed at night (like 2/3+ am) and when I have some really good ideas/stuff to say which I really want to post, I tend not to because my phone is always charging (not really far from my bed but I'm lazy so ) and I believe I can come up with the same thing again when I have the time to post but really, I can't. Thus most of the time my posts contain incoherent ideas that doesn't speak much sense and volume.
I really can't believe my trip of 3 months in Hong Kong is coming to an end. 3 months is not a short period of time and honestly I can't recall vividly what happened in the first month. I did travel to Taiwan in the second so that should be the highlight. And the third month was... just going daily routines. This is how life would be if I were to live in Hong Kong (skipping the school part because it will be different in all):
On weekdays, I will wake up in the afternoon, have lunch and shop and then wait for my dad to fetch me at around 7pm and we will have dinner at 8pm. Then we will go down to Jusco to walk around until it's 9:15pm so we can make it just in time for the 9:30pm drama which is always better than the 8:30pm drama. And then after the drama I will go bathe at 10:30pm and come out at 11:30pm after which I will switch on the com and watch at least 2 episodes of 2BG/TBBT before I go to bed at 1:30am. I will only fall asleep at 3am because I will think of stuff while listening to the radio (my favourite music show airs at 2am).
On weekends, we all wake up at at least 1pm in the afternoon and then go for lunch. It will be either porridge, glutinous rice cakes or wanton noodles because we love those. Then we would go to the fruit stall a few streets away to get some apples and oranges and then back to Jusco to get berries (my favourite raspberries and blackberries and strawberries) and then return home. Mommy will be watching her horror movies on her tablet while daddy will be busy with his stuff (I don't know man) and I will be watching either 2BG/TBBT. We will then leave for dinner at 7:30pm and finding empty restaurants because those super commercialised ones will always be flooded with weekend crowds. And then we will go back to Jusco after dinner to look at things like furnitures and winter coats and head home to catch whatever is on the television. I will go bathe when I feel like it's about time or when the shows on television do not interest me and then watch 2BG/TBBT after I bathe until I go to bed at 1:30am.
I can't believe I can sum up my Hong Kong life in 2 paragraphs but that's somewhat all I do here. And I found out that diminishing returns do exist because retail therapy doesn't work as much when you're shopping EVERY DAY. I like the things they sell here though (which explains my bursting luggages). I call this life but I don't think it's considered as one by many because they would be bored to death. However, there's not really such a word when you're living in Hong Kong. Every day, there's something new and interesting on the news and radio, like people organising demonstrations, member of parliaments acting (in)appropriately and lots of debate going on regarding latest policies and etc, there's really so much going on every day in Hong Kong. And even though shopping at the same few places for the past 3 months would have been really boring to some, it really is interesting to just walk along the streets here. There's so much to see, to explore and it's always so happening. People rushing to and fro, walking because it's really impossible to stop you've got to follow the crowd and all the sounds of car engines.
Last night I was recalling all that has happened and then I asked myself if I could only choose a place to be my home, where would it be? Most of me chose Hong Kong because I've always wanted so but a part of me whispered Singapore. It irks me a little because I realised I can never really choose a single place to call home. There's so much I have in Singapore that there I don't in Hong Kong. I have an established house over there, with all my beloved belongings and it has always been a place I have lived in for 3/4 of my life together with the memories. And then there's Hong Kong, my place of birth and a place filled with my childhood memories. Not the part of me enrolling into kindergarten because I didn't really attended it here (I was in the first day and then the next day I was migrating) but the part of me playing on the carpeted elevated living room floor with the rubber floor mats and kitchen toys with my domestic helper. And then the time when I was always afraid of this uncle (who's now my favourite and friendliest uncle) and will always finish my food at the dinner table because he would stare at me until I gave in (my dad uses him to threaten me). And the other time I threw a tantrum and didn't eat my dinner and my dad locked me out of the house which I wittily and patiently waited because I knew he couldn't lock me out for long. And the time when I love walking on the sofa backing because I was so small and light and flexible. And the time when I vandalised the walls behind the sofa because I could. All those memories revolved around my house here in Hong Kong and even though my house had a huge renovation a few years ago, those memories stay with me forever. And so last night, I was feeling upset because I feel like I don't really have one exact home. I can't choose between the two and I can never choose. But then I realised, this is indeed something I should be thankful for. That I get to have two places to be called home, that I can still feel loved no matter where I am and that I have memories associated with these two places.
So that's it. I shouldn't be upset about something I should be thankful for.
This is an abrupt ending to this post because
it's time for TBBT
Monday, February 24, 2014
In Finite
At that point in time, all I wished for was to survive and make it back. I watched planes take off and land from my window, imagining myself in the aircraft and leaving everything behind. That feeling was bliss. At that moment, it was infinite.
And the next moment, I was really onboard and then a few hours later landed in the place I have always wanted to be in. It was magical because I am home. I returned to where I came from. I can't put that feeling in words but I felt like I belong. This is probably the thousandth time I'm using those words and it's a pity because nobody really understands. I am not hard to please. I know what I want and I don't want to come off as 'delusional' (as some would think) but that's it. I am not changing for anyone.
Saturday, February 01, 2014
Thursday, January 23, 2014
How is it that when you end a chapter in life and expects the new one to be a smooth ride it doesn't happen? It seems like nothing will ever go your way but be in your way and when you think you finally painstakingly crossed one hurdle, another one is right ahead. I'm blaming this on karma because that is the only reason I can think of right now. What comes around goes around. This has to be the time when your decisions at one point in time come back and haunt you. I used to believe what I chose to do was correct because it made me happy but like anything else in this world, nothing lasts. Now is the time when those happy moments weigh nothing more than just time passed and sadly it's payback time. It's 2014, time is passing by too quickly.
Friday, January 17, 2014
Why did you let me go?
"Maybe because I,
I don't really believe it's gonna work.
And then I make sure that it doesn't."
- Oliver, Beginners
I don't really believe it's gonna work.
And then I make sure that it doesn't."
- Oliver, Beginners
Monday, January 13, 2014
Sunday, January 05, 2014
maybe next time
Gone out
Ran out
I would have
Right things happening at the wrong time
and they never come again
Can dream catchers go beyond catching bad dreams
and hold on to times like this
Maybe next time
Maybe we would meet
Saturday, January 04, 2014
Let it stay
So close now
Just let it stay like what it is
Can time standstill can we have this moment
I am almost there
Almost convincing myself it's pretty green
So please don't fall again
Don't stop now and let go
Let it stay let it be
1
2
3
Stop
Thursday, January 02, 2014
my 2013
I'm not quite sure if having this space here is still a good idea because I promised myself that I will learn to be happier and more optimistic. I guess I still need it when I stop awhile and think. Just a simple space for some words, no photos and only thoughts. My thoughts when I'm still thinking
my 2013?
I guess it was similar to my 2012 and just slightly different from my 2011 but a drastic one from 2010? I grew more mature, I think/worry/observe more and became more reserved. It's not that I was super outgoing when I was in secondary school, I wasn't one to begin with. Moving on to senior high made me realize the uglier side of people/things although some were perhaps product of overthinking. I was guessing it could be because of tumblr but it was still most probably my brain. Oh and maybe stress? I promised myself I would change for the better and maybe that was my definition of better. Somebody read this space and told me I should was going slightly extreme and I felt honestly offended. It's a part of my growing-up experience and I'm not someone who romanticize sadness so. Maybe that's why changing the url of this space was a good idea. A great one indeed. Anyhow I think I'm getting off the topic.
Summing up my 2013:
Overthinking
Ugly people
Bad experience
High Hopes
Empty promises
Fake
Anticipating nothing
Expectations
Disappointments
Family
Stress
2013 hasn't been extremely kind. There were ups and downs, hurdles and smooth paths, tears and smiles, ironic moments and nights of staring at the moon etc. Somethings worth remembering but some were meant to be forgotten and I'm still trying to. I'm moving on and saying goodbye to some. There were happy times with the family and friends, some moments when I hated everything around me and feeling suffocated in that space. Now that I'm back in where I think I'm meant to be, I should be free.
This does not include thinking about university which I have been brushing off whenever people want to discuss about it because I still haven't gotten over the A levels trauma and I guess it's something that will haunt me until March. Till then I'll start to think what I will do and what I can do.
Mixed thoughts. Bits and pieces of everything everywhere. What am I left with?
Shopping and holiday is only a temporarily getaway. Go away.
my 2013?
I guess it was similar to my 2012 and just slightly different from my 2011 but a drastic one from 2010? I grew more mature, I think/worry/observe more and became more reserved. It's not that I was super outgoing when I was in secondary school, I wasn't one to begin with. Moving on to senior high made me realize the uglier side of people/things although some were perhaps product of overthinking. I was guessing it could be because of tumblr but it was still most probably my brain. Oh and maybe stress? I promised myself I would change for the better and maybe that was my definition of better. Somebody read this space and told me I should was going slightly extreme and I felt honestly offended. It's a part of my growing-up experience and I'm not someone who romanticize sadness so. Maybe that's why changing the url of this space was a good idea. A great one indeed. Anyhow I think I'm getting off the topic.
Summing up my 2013:
Overthinking
Ugly people
Bad experience
High Hopes
Empty promises
Fake
Anticipating nothing
Expectations
Disappointments
Family
Stress
2013 hasn't been extremely kind. There were ups and downs, hurdles and smooth paths, tears and smiles, ironic moments and nights of staring at the moon etc. Somethings worth remembering but some were meant to be forgotten and I'm still trying to. I'm moving on and saying goodbye to some. There were happy times with the family and friends, some moments when I hated everything around me and feeling suffocated in that space. Now that I'm back in where I think I'm meant to be, I should be free.
This does not include thinking about university which I have been brushing off whenever people want to discuss about it because I still haven't gotten over the A levels trauma and I guess it's something that will haunt me until March. Till then I'll start to think what I will do and what I can do.
Mixed thoughts. Bits and pieces of everything everywhere. What am I left with?
Shopping and holiday is only a temporarily getaway. Go away.
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