51/365

I've had enough. I'm sick of this place and I want need to get out. This place is suffocating me, it's living hell. Everything here upsets me and I'm tired of acting like I'm alright. Nobody really cares anyway. I get upset so often I think I'm going crazy. I hate the doubt people have in me and I'm irritated. Why bother asking if you don't trust me? To tell me I'm not good enough? I know that well enough so you can save it. I'm tired of guessing what people want. I just want to be alone sometimes really because that's when all the stress is gone. I don't need people to be around me because their presence frightens me. I don't want to fit in. I feel intimidated. I feel so small sometimes. I need an escape. Please.

47/365

Time check: 47 days into 2013.

Taking some time off now to update this blog so I can read the posts again when I'm old (in case I get bored of doing nothing).

Wednesday was back-to-school day for the CNY celebration. Concert was so so but it kind of get worse every year so I expected that already. Then it was the lou hei thing in the canteen with the class that kind of pissed me off because it's just a waste of food since nobody was planning to eat it and instead played/made a mess out of it (side note: I understand there is budget constraint, but they should've shredded the carrots and reddish for us, we can't break apart that big chunk ok). Brought home the unused good quality lou hei container (which mom said it was good) so at least that made the session slightly more worthwhile. During the boring lou hei session in which the houses compete to get more food, some of my uninterested classmates (Rachel, shi hui, zhi yi, yi ling and yuan hui) and I came up with an escape plan to catch the 1:40pm movie at KLP. Good job guys, I'm impressed by how we successfully got out of the school boundary! Went to the back gate at first but the security guard didn't allow us out because the event only ends at 12 (it was 11:20 that time), so we went to the side gate which was unfortunately locked (and we didn't want to crawl under it right with the security cameras there). Finally went to the front gate which was open (lol) and just charged out at full speed. Made our way to KLP (left with rachel, shi hui and zhi yi), bought movie tickets and salted popcorn (yum) and got into the cinema. Movie (journey to west) was ok except for the scary scenes with demons which frightened me. Plot was not bad I guess, slightly funny at some parts. Still prefer comedies tho..

Thursday was an omg-I-survived-?! cum friendship/valentines/single-awareness day. Reached school late at 8:07am but didn't have to attend flag raising because there were only 2 first-time-latecomers (me included). Day was boring, almost died halfway (seriously I hate long days). Fell asleep during math lecture (first time this year). H1 made it better (surprisingly) because the new teacher was funny like an old man at the coffee shop. Celebrated friendship day with my class, took class polaroids (yay pasted it on my wall) and revealed the angel and mortals in class before mass PE. It was raining so mass PE was circuits and blah blah.

Friday (yesterday) was normal but for PE we played captains ball (ran 4 rounds around the track before that) and it was fun. It has been a while since I played ball and it feels good. Felt stupid going around asking my classmates who bled during the game (there was a stain on my sleeve) and it turned out I was the one who's bleeding (small injury on my finger). Free periods was spent going through 18D notes. Math after was the same. Second free period was more fun since we were having some funny class chat. Econs ended earlier than expected (hooray) and my day ended.

Okay summary: it's the end of week 6 which means we're entering week 7 and I'm not prepared at all

43/365

Today marks the end of the CNY holiday. I can't remember doing any CNY related stuff other than stuffing myself with good carrot cakes, yam cakes and 年糕 which daddy bought from Hong Kong. I completed some stuff and ticked them off my to-do-list though, although there's still so much more to be completed (why am I so slow). Time spent with the family was great, had burger king for lunch on day 1, penang cuisine on day 2 and went to the gym with the sis. I'm thankful for my family.

Spent today (day 3) with Clara (the last time we meet up was in November last year) and had so much fun although all we did was walking around (from cathay to dhoby to 313 to ion), it's the catching up that mattered. Miss that girl so much and it's amazing how we don't always whatsapp or call but we can have endless topics to talk about when we meet. I'm glad we are still keeping in touch even though we are in different schools now (thanks for the card!). Had lunch at Maki-san (cool places worth visiting) where we personalised our own sushi and pasta salad. They have pretty boxes too (plus point). Took polaroids at ion (it's becoming a tradition for us to do that whenever we meet up) which seemed quite flattering this time round. Overall a great day spent and school starts tomorrow with the cny celebration (weird order of events) and I'm hoping it'll be worth the time.

Photos below are :
Clara and I ; our polaroids from the past 2 meet ups; the food from Maki-san; our froyo

40/365

Happy CNY to all. Or happy CNY eve to all. I can never tell when is the real CNY or the eve because it kind of feels like any other day (except there is no school) since my family doesn't celebrate it. Yep, no reunion dinner, no visits, no CNY snacks, no angpaos (which means no extra money). Basically this is just a 4-days break from school for me to complete some stuff I didn't get to do in the past 5 weeks of school. Which means mountains of work. Okay I exaggerated but really, there's quite a lot. I should be kind of glad (like I always do in the past years) that I don't have any visits or dinner to attend to but really, this year feels different. I feel like my life is such a bore, it's more like surviving then living. I can remember myself wishing to go back to Hong Kong to celebrate CNY (big event huh) for the past 13 years but of course, a wish remains a wish and I'm still stuck here. But then again, if I was invited to any visits, I'll probably get sick of it and rather stay home. I'm so problematic.

Anyway, the past week was a really tiring one.

Monday was spent waiting for school to end.

Tuesday was the same except that I went to gym and completed 4.19km in 30 minutes at a speed of 9.1 on the treadmill (improvement). And also judging a girl who went into the gym with hair untied and did only 10+ sit ups and leg raises before leaving. No work completed by the end of the day.

Wednesday was blah blah blah but there was bowling and before that, Janice and I went to parkway to pick up some stuff (finally got something good -I think- for my mortal). Highest score for bowling in the first game: 139. Pure luck because I was the last in the second game.

Thursday was really tough. Kept dozing off during physics. Ended off with mass PE which made my day slightly better. Ran 7 (or 8 rounds) with Rachel. Still on my way to doing 2.4km in 13min (or under).

Friday was great considering there was no econs so my 4.15pm day became 1.45pm instead. Had only PE and math that day (Friday is really a waste of my time with only 3 lessons and tons of free periods). Got back my math test and passed (phew). Method marks ftw! And also realized I should really buck up because people are doing so much better now (pressurizing). Braved through the rain to lunch with Rachel, shi hui and yirong at KFC. Had such a good time laughing because yirong is just so cute. One thing that calls for a celebration: Contributed to the class whatsapp chat for the first time last night [see attached screenshots photos of the convo because I couldn't attach the screenshots on mobile]. Call me a wallflower.

Saturday (which is today) was okay so far. Woke up at 2pm and lunch at tampines. Saw cute marimo balls, which I loved since young, but parents didn't allow me to get them. I thought you weren't supposed to reject anyone during CNY. Got myself Koi's hazelnut milk tea (enjoying it now) to make up for it. Couldn't get foolscap pads from Popular because it's closed so I'll have to make do with school foolscap for my tutorials. And there was the rain so I couldn't go for a swim. So far CNY has been great.

She's dead.
She's dead the moment she entered this place.

37/365

" Once in a while, amidst all your bad days, you'll have a good day. A great day even. Make sure you remember those days. Keep them safely in the pockets of your coat or in a jar on your desk because you need to know that there are and will be better days. You need to remember how on those days you felt all warm inside. Like you've just drunk a hot cup of tea. Like a small fire has ignited inside of you. Hold on to the warmth and never let go. "

But I'm sick and tired of this place. I want to go home.

34/365

Just came across this phrase on tumblr
' Time does not exist. Clocks exist. '

Indeed, most of the time, we are constrained by the limits we set for ourselves.
We build the walls around. We're basically the culprits behind the fears we have.
We recognize the fears and the possible failures we meet and doubt every step we take.
We have all forgotten how great we can be.

Take a leap of faith.

32/365

It's the end of January. That's the first month of 2013 and now we have entered the second. 10 months later we'll bid this all goodbye.

I don't know what I'm feeling now actually. A mixture of disappointment, sadness, anxiety and stress. Perhaps a combination of all the worst feelings ever. I hate this. Just yesterday I was happy and then I was demoralized (stupid vectors) and now I'm .... confused. I don't know. I was dumb enough to think I'll stand a chance. I thought maybe I'll be lucky enough. But no, reality hits hell hard. It's time to wake up and realize that the dream has to stop. I need to recognize that I'll never be good enough. I'm not good enough. Not at all.

You reap what you sow, they say.
Never give up, they say.