42

I don't feel good. My body is aching, there's no way I can sit comfortably in my usual chair at the desk, I can't fall asleep without rounds of tossing and turning and I feel like my back is so weak right now. I have no idea why that is so, I'm afraid of the ache, that I can't get comfortable no matter what and it has been weeks. Perhaps I need to exercise. My legs are constantly feeling numb and I have heavy shoulders dragging me down, I just don't know if I can even physically support myself anymore. I just need my back to be strong enough again, I really want to feel good again and now I'm just on the verge of tears every time I sit down for too long because my back freaking hurts. Oh god.

I think I need to go home.

Right now.

I figured that the longer I stay here, the faster I'll die. It's just 46 more days, they said. Endure and you'll be fine, they said. They said all the things they could say, but what do they know? Have I not tried? Have I not given enough? I don't need easy, I just need possible. But it seems like it's impossible. It's impossible for effort to be equivalent to result. It's not about the process anymore, who cares about that now? Perhaps more about progress, believe me, people love results. Don't trust all the shit they talk about, about how it'll be worth, it'll be hard definitely but I'm not sure if it'll be worth. Don't believe them when they tell you you can do it, because who knows, not everyone can make it till the end. There's only so much I can hold, so much I can bear and I think I'm reaching my threshold soon. I'm going to snap and break and shatter and crash and kill everyone in the process who tells me it'll be possible. Because the fact is, it's freaking impossible.

46

“Introverts, in contrast, may have strong social skills and enjoy parties and business meetings, but after a while wish they were home in their pajamas. They prefer to devote their social energies to close friends, colleagues, and family. They listen more than they talk, think before they speak, and often feel as if they express themselves better in writing than in conversation. They tend to dislike conflict. Many have a horror of small talk, but enjoy deep discussions.”

- Quiet (Susan Cain)

That's the funny thing.

Why do we desire acknowledgements? Sometimes I question myself why do I try so hard to gain recognition from others who probably wouldn't matter at all. I ask myself why, that I criticize people but I cannot do enough reflection myself and so I'm constantly working in this dilemma of wanting to be acknowledged but at the same time refraining from allowing myself to be affected by people around. And it's so difficult to really know what I want. Sometimes I want to share but sometimes I don't. I feel like a victim in this. Do I do things to make myself happy, or for others to be happy? But the thing is, when I do things that made myself happy, I'm upset by the fact that others aren't. And I want them to be. I want us all to be happy, which is quite impossible in some sense I guess. I end up living for others more than I do for myself. And I don't want that. I tell myself that those who matter will come naturally but that doesn't happen all the time. And I've made such a bad record I don't even know how to change it anymore. Because what has been etched into people's mind don't change that easily. So do I move on without minding about what people think? Or do I try even harder to prove myself? I don't quite know but for now I guess I should do what makes me real.

47

A father's love is one of the greatest things that have ever happened to me.

My dad gave me his 200% (much more than that actually but you get what I mean). He loves me. I figured that I was probably a really great person in my past life who did many great deeds and therefore earned myself such a perfect dad this life. I appreciate him but I feel guilty at the same time. He stayed up till 3 am just to make sure I get all the songs he spent a day downloading (200+ songs) and wouldn't go to bed until I did. But what did I do to deserve all these? He gave me his best, but did I give him mine? No. I took it for granted. I didn't even return him 1% of what he has given to me. He could have not done so many things for me. He had a choice. But he did. And I feel so bad about myself now. He is such an awesome dad. I'm such a lousy daughter, always making him worried, troubling him, demanding so many things from him and yet fail to honor so many promises I've made to him. He never gives up on me even if I couldn't keep to my promises. He still love me as much, if not more. I don't know what I can do for him right now, other than putting in effort to revise and do well for As. I tried today, during physics. He spent the entire day yesterday helping me with physics, going through every single question with me. I hope I can get a decent grade this time just for him. For my great dad. Someone I can never live without. Everyday should be a fathers' day because every father is great. My dad is leaving for hk again tomorrow and I'm going to miss him so much it's going to hurt. But I'll listen to all these songs he has helped me download tonight and keep them on replay.

Father, I love you.

that's the most handsome man I've ever seen and he's looking at my physics paper in this photo <3

50

F i f t y

S h a d e s

O f 

N o t h i n g n e s s

I find the spacings surprisingly calming.

50 days left to make a different. You can do something to be somebody or do nothing and be nobody. Math paper today was ______ . I don't know. But the ride to school was hell tiring and nerve wrecking because my stomach decided to work up and churn so badly it hurts. I'm literally filled with shit. I had such a bad stomach ache throughout the train and bus ride, I thought I wouldn't be able to make it for Math alive. But I did anyway. And during the paper, I came up with an analogy. School is a factory. And teachers are the producers in the respective production units. Students are the goods produced. Common tests are periodical quality checks. Goods which are up to standards would be further refined with more valuable inputs. Those which are not, they go through refinement too but back to the basics and through the process once more. Prelims and As are the major checks. It defines whether the goods can be shipped out to be sold at departmental stores. What can the goods do to finally get out of the factory one day? We work hard, we enhance our qualities, we strive to be in the best batch, we try. Isn't it sad? Anyhow, that's my analogy. Math made me think of that. Weird. Oh and I also want to be a good quality good.

Fun fact of the day:

Integrate sec^2 is tan. Not secxtanx.

I can't even find the right words to express myself now

I only know I've got nothing left

I've worked hard

But I'm now back at square one

And I know this cycle will never end

51

Screw(ed) today (or yesterday since I'm referring to Monday but it's already past 12 so). Yeah who wakes up thinking that the paper was a case study paper and feels slightly less nervous because she hasn't been well prepared. And then she finds out subsequently that it was an essay paper. Me. 3 essays. 2 hours 15 minutes. Blank mind. My instant reaction was to break down. But I didn't. I didn't because I couldn't. I couldn't let my family see how much I wanted to give up, how much I wanted to die at that moment and how stupid I felt. I honestly felt like ditching the exams today because all I could think of was, what's the point? Thank goodness it was an afternoon paper so I had some little time left to prepare myself mentally. We went for lunch then before I left to meet ruiqi. Wanted to cry on the way so badly. Dad blurted out a sentence that made me felt like I've been squeezed so hard I'm gasping for air. He told me to just ask to be retained. Honestly, that was probably the last thing you would want to say to someone going through a life crisis. I managed to hold back my tears though. I know I was tearing but I sniffed quietly and thank you the sun for the being so bright I can squint my eyes to contain the  tears. Anyway, lunch was tough. I had to force myself to eat even though I totally lost my appetite. The food was tasteless. I felt like I wasted my money. Then I was glad that I gave it up soon enough and left. Before heading the mrt station, I detoured to the toilet. Yeah I couldn't hold it anymore I broke down. I was embarrassed with my eyes all red and watery and a few aunties were staring at me. I felt slightly better when I let it out. I left, I took the train, I met ruiqi, I went to school, I felt like dying every second, I waited outside the hall, I saw people, I hated the heat, I entered the hall, I sat down and I did the paper. The paper wasn't as tough. But my mind was blocked, it was unclear, I couldn't think of anything to write and my structure was horrendous. I was going to flunk it. Definitely.

I had such a bad day today.

And tomorrow would be the same.

“Will I be something?


Am I something?

And the answer comes:


You already are.


You always were.


And you still have time to be.”

- Anis Mojgani

52

Currently in bed with a splitting headache and prelims officially begin tomorrow (excluding GP which was). Unprepared, insecure, nervous, yeah name it all. I couldn't even complete half of what I was supposed to do. Okay go ahead and laugh at me. I'm a joke. Who slacks off at the end? Me. Fuck this. Anyway, there's nothing I can do at this instant without risking my brain exploding from this pain so I have to sleep. The past few nights of sleeping at 3/4+ am have finally taken a toll on me. And it's bloody 1 am now why on earth am I still blogging I should be sleeping (even though tomorrow's paper is in the afternoon). I'm a loser really. I suck at the whole examination thing. My dad told me to give my best shot and that's what he always said. And he added on by saying I still have the last try and that is the As. And yeah, that made me think. How many second chances are there? And it's precisely because we know there's something to cushion our fall, we lose guard and slack off. And we died. The sad thing is, there aren't really many second chances. Like our lives, there's a limit to everything. How many 'second chances' would I take to be the best that I can be? I have been exploiting  all these 'second chances' that didn't belonged to me in the first place and I'm in shame. I hate myself for that. My second last chance is tomorrow. Another try. There aren't unlimited tries, I have to bear that in mind. Ok time to sleep. I'm really dying from this headache.

53

I swam yesterday

I had to revised till 3 am to make up for it 

I was tired

But I was happy

I can't complete even half of my revision

But I'm happy now because I feel loved

I have my family who'll always ask me to sleep earlier and try not to disturb me

I have a great friend who pushes me forward and chats with me even if she's in the midst of revision as well

I have another great friend who I know will always be there and backing me up even if he doesn't show it

I ate yummy honey-glazed strawberries

I have good music to accompany me through the night

I know life is not defined by an exam no matter how significant it might be

I know no matter how many times I think I'll die, I will make it through anyway

I watch clouds, planes, moon and stars and they calm me

I can be much more if I look further

I can be happy because I want to

Because life has many other great pleasures waiting to be discovered

On a side note,

I have this urge of merging my blog and tumblr together

But that would complicate things

And destroy the beauty of tumblr

So I guess not

underwater

That's where I need to be right now. I wouldn't mind being there forever though. That sounds good too. I went impromptu swimming with my parents on Wednesday (I meant impromptu because we usually plan it days before and we'll set aside time for it but weather likes to screw us up many times so). It was after lunch and my mom said, "let's go swimming, it has been a while" and we all liked the idea. We changed, we prepared the bathrooms so we could quickly wash up when we're home and we went down to the pools. It was lovely. I love how the waters glisten and how appealing it looks under the hot afternoon sun. I didn't jump in though (I would probably hit hard on the pool bottom because it's only 1.2m deep) but I entered rather unglamorously too with water splashing onto the pool side. Who cares. No one else was there except for us. I'm a breaststroker, I learnt breaststroke and only that when I was young from my dad and I can do that quite well. Tbh I think I'm the best at that in the family (I can do 2 laps in 1 minute hah). I sucked at freestyle though. Never managed to finish  even 1 lap without gasping for air and dying. I had a good chance because for once my dad is swimming. I asked him to teach me so I spent the subsequent 2.5 hours practicing freestyle. I love it. So much faster and glamorous. I was addicted. You know that feeling when you did one set of it and you reach the distance you probably had to complete with 2 sets of breaststroking? And how you can feel yourself propelling forwards with the force of water hitting on your abdomen? That feeling that you're finally capable of something and getting somewhere? I needed that. And that moment when you're underwater where nothing else mattered and you can't even hear anything, not even kids screaming by the pool side or your parents calling for you? I love that. That place was freed from all noises, there was just the swishing and swashing of water. I love that. And right now? I need to get underwater. I need some time for myself. I need to feel like I'm capable of something. I need to feel progress. I need to feel in control. That I can stop whenever I want and proceed whenever I can. I need to move around and exercise and feel good about myself again. I need to swim.

54

fuck this shit.

(pardon my crudeness but really)

(post contains excessive profanities but in the same form that starts with a freaking f which is the first word now look up there and be shocked go)

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why am I so capable in screwing myself up but yet so inadequate in everything else why am I so fucking retarded that I still do what's worst for me when I know the best why do I slow down only when everyone is catching up why do I fucking allow myself to fall why do I not feel insecure why do I have such a fucking pea-sized brain who do I think I am why now why not earlier why is everyone so irritating why do people want to constantly remind you you're fucking shit 

why are people so fucking fake why can't they just scram off why is the world so warped why must I lose out now why me what have I become why am I in this world why am I caught up in this pointless rat race what's the fucking point why can't I shed tears of remorse anymore why can't I feel anymore what's the meaning of sad and what is happy what is my purpose in life who am I supposed to be ughhh

why am I so fucked up

why is life so fucked up

why is my life so fucked up

(Sorry for the rant. I'm not sorry. I could have inserted the f word in every line but I didn't. You should thank me.)

56

I dreamt that you died.

That was a funny thing to dream about or maybe I should call that a nightmare. It was weird. I was sad, I shed tears of saudade but I was happy for you at the same time. At least you were happy before you died and I'm happy as long as you're happy. I guess that's the only thing I could ask for now. Nothing more. Just for everyone to be happy.

And then I woke up still feeling uneasy but I was relieved to find out it wasn't real afterall. And then I realised: things happen naturally and there's really nothing much you can do about it. We just have to go with the flow and make the best out of it. That's the least, or the most, we could do.

59

I'm not telling

I'm not telling

I won't tell you what's wrong

Everything is a mess

I'm a mess

Life is a screwed up song

Don't ask me why

Don't ask my how

I won't bother anymore

How many times have my answers faded amidst all those other noises that were targeted at me all along

How many times have I opened up just to be disappointed once more

How many times have I given in to something I don't believe at all

How many times have I turned a loser just to satisfy your wants

How many times have I been forgotten and left behind and threw away like junk

I tried I gave I held on tight

I lose grip I fall I laughed I died

60

You are a disgrace.

You are a disappointment.

You should be ashamed.

You are hopeless.

You have given up.

What have you become ?

61

Lying on my bed right now

Listening attentively to the rain

They are telling me

They are there for me

"Don't be sad, dear,

Don't you tear.

Nothing lasts forever,

All that is good, all that is bad,

They happen once and then never.

Let us wash away your pain,

Now listen to us,

We're swishing, swushing, swashing,

Freeing you from all that drains.

We're here, remember,

We're here."

I guess I never really learn

I fall too easily

And I can never save myself

I was too blind

And still remains so

Because I chose to believe

That miracles do happen

Once in a while

I'm praying

62

"

1. There are plenty of ways to enter a pool. The stairs is not one of them.

2. Never cancel dinner plans by text message.

3. Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.

4. If a street performer makes you stop walking, you owe him a buck.

5. Always use ‘we’ when referring to your home team or your government.

6. When entrusted with a secret, keep it.

7. Don’t underestimate free throws in a game of ‘horse’.

8. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

9. Don’t dumb it down.

10. You only get one chance to notice a new haircut.

11. If you’re staying more than one night, unpack.

12. Never park in front of a bar.

13. Expect the seat in front of you to recline. Prepare accordingly.

14. Keep a picture of your first fish, first car, and first boy/girlfriend.

15. Hold your heroes to a high standard.

16. A suntan is earned, not bought.

17. Never lie to your doctor.

18. All guns are loaded.

19. Don’t mention sunburns. Believe me, they know.

20. The best way to show thanks is to wear it. Even if it’s only once.

21. Take a vacation off your cell phone, internet, and TV once a year.

22. Don’t fill up on bread, no matter how good.

23. A handshake beats an autograph.

24. Don’t linger in the doorway. In or out.

25. If you choose to go in drag, don’t sell yourself short.

26. If you want to know what makes you unique, sit for a caricature.

27. Never get your hair cut the day of a special event.

28. Be mindful of what comes between you and the Earth. Always buy good shoes, tires, and sheets.

29. Never eat lunch at your desk if you can avoid it.

30. When you’re with new friends, don’t just talk about old friends.

31. Eat lunch with the new kids.

32. When traveling, keep your wits about you.

33. It’s never too late for an apology.

34. Don’t pose with booze.

35. If you have the right of way, take it.

36. You don’t get to choose your own nickname.

37. When you marry someone, remember you marry their entire family.

38. Never push someone off a dock.

39. Under no circumstances should you ask a woman if she’s pregnant.

40. It’s not enough to be proud of your ancestry; live up to it.

41. Don’t make a scene.

42. When giving a thank you speech, short and sweet is best.

43. Know when to ignore the camera.

44. Never gloat.

45. Invest in good luggage.

46. Make time for your mom on your birthday. It’s her special day, too.

47. When opening presents, no one likes a good guesser.

48. Sympathy is a crutch, never fake a limp.

49. Give credit. Take blame.

50. Suck it up every now and again.

51. Never be the last one in the pool.

52. Don’t stare.

53. Address everyone that carries a firearm professionally.

54. Stand up to bullies. You’ll only have to do it once.

55. If you’ve made your point, stop talking.

56. Admit it when you’re wrong.

57. If you offer to help don’t quit until the job is done.

58. Look people in the eye when you thank them.

59. Thank the bus driver.

60. Never answer the phone at the dinner table.

61. Forgive yourself for your mistakes.

62. Know at least one good joke.

63. Don’t boo. Even the ref is somebody’s son.

64. Know how to cook one good meal.

65. Learn to drive a stick shift.

66. Be cool to younger kids. Reputations are built over a lifetime.

67. It’s okay to go to the movies by yourself.

68. Dance with your mother/father.

69. Don’t lose your cool. Especially at work.

70. Always thank the host.

71. If you don’t understand, ask before it’s too late.

72. Know the size of your boy/girlfriend’s clothes.

73. There is nothing wrong with a plain t-shirt.

74. Be a good listener. Don’t just wait for your turn to talk.

75. Keep your word.

76. In college, always sit in the front. You’ll stand out immediately.

77. Carry your mother’s bags. She carried you for nine months.

78. Be patient with airport security. They’re just doing their jobs.

79. Don’t be the talker in a movie.

80. The opposite sex likes people who shower.

81. You are what you do, not what you say.

82. Learn to change a tire.

83. Be kind. Everyone has a hard fight ahead of them.

84. An hour with grandparents is time well spent. Ask for advice when you need it.

85. Don’t litter.

86. If you have a sister, get to know her boyfriend. Your opinion is important.

87. You won’t always be the strongest or the fastest. But you can be the toughest.

88. Never call someone before 9am or after 9pm.

89. Buy the orange properties in Monopoly.

90. Make the little things count.

91. Always wear a bra at work.

92. There is a fine line between looking sultry and slutty. Find it.

93. You’re never too old to need your mom.

94. Ladies, if you make the decision to wear heels on the first date, commit to keeping them on and keeping your trap shut about how much your feet kill.

95. Know the words to your national anthem.

96. Your dance moves might not be the best, but I promise making a fool of yourself is more fun then sitting on the bench alone.

97. Smile at strangers.

98. Make goals.

99. Being old is not dictated by your bedtime.

100. If you have to fight, punch first and punch hard.

"

a high school teacher’s list of 100 wisest words (via vlha)

64

Is it just me? That I don't value things that people do, I see worth in different things and most of the time my views are largely different. Or is it just because I've been dulled of senses to even feel anything anymore? Why don't I feel as easily as people do? I want to be a part of them too, I want to take things at face value because most of the time when I look too deeply into things, it hurts. And I brought it upon myself. So I blame myself. It is so tough to act as if I care when deep inside I know I don't. I'm a lousy actor, I show it so obviously I think the blind can see. But then again, it's weird because I hide what I truly feel so well. I hate it that I'm drifting away every second, that I can't stay rooted and belonged. My heart is dying and so is everyone else because nothing seems to matter as much as they used to be and I hate this. I want to bring back the past where I treasure things easily. Is that what they say about people who learn from experienced? Because the experienced know what it feels like. To be forgotten and given up. And it sucked. So they constructed walls around them, so high that nobody can get over it. They have two sides, one for the world and one for themselves. They find it difficult to connect and think the way people do because they know what to expect next. And they made the choice to not feel because the more you feel, the more it kills. They made their walls so strong, they possess the hearts of stone and they can never be rescued anymore.

65

Can't believe I only got to realise this now, is it too late? Is it better than never knowing it and still thinking so full of myself? Only today did I realise I can be so insignificant, worthless, useless. I tried, yes I did, but it'll never be enough. I hate going back to all the 'I'll never be good enough' shit which I thought I have gotten over but apparently I have not. And the truth is, I'll never be enough. Never enough for anyone, not even myself. There's always someone better, some things that are not within our control and as much as we try to be better, no amount of effort is enough. Is there really no way to be good enough? I just want an acknowledgement, is it that difficult? Yes it is. Because I never believed there's a 'good enough'. There's only 'I can't do this anymore so I give up', which somehow got translated into 'it's good enough'. But I don't want. I don't want to give up, I'm not ready to give up and I have so much more. But what are these 'more things' that l thought I can offer? Something, but probably out of nothing.

66

wow

66

can we turn it around to be 99 instead

I'm sick of the game you're playing

You're very good at it

Congratulations

But I don't want to play

I don't want to be part of it anymore

No more

I give up

I'm not for you to fool around

It's just you now

You've won

Ok

Are you happy?

Are you satisfied?

You can have it all

Have it all

Turn the tables

Let's play my game

No rules no time limit

No winners no losers

We play real

Oh

But sorry

You aren't part of my game