Changed

Finally. Freed from the eyes. I love solitude. Sweet. I can finally type whatever I want to without minding about what others would think. I can ignore my grammar and spelling mistakes. I can skip all the proof reading just to make sure I typed correctly. I don't even know if the word 'proof reading' exist. Or is it even a word. See? I can do anything I want to. I can scold I can rant I can forgo all the punctuations because I can. I can have weird expressions because I can. Nobody will know. This is a virtual time capsule for me. Hello older me. I did you proud once. I've moved on. Ok I shall stop typing here because it's late and I'm supposedly tired from all the things that it haven't done. Peace out.

With masks down, I walk, talking to the moon, to the neutral impersonal force that does not hear, but merely accepts my being. 

- Sylvia Plath

11

My daddy is an angel

He is the brightest of them all

His wings are the shiniest

His halo leaving everyone in awe 

My daddy is an angel

He gave me all he had

He raises me up through tough times

He never wants me sad

My daddy is an angel

He's a blessing in disguise

I look up to him for everything

He's a creation so divine

My daddy is an angel

He pulls me out of hell

His wings were always at my call

To me he has given so much more

My daddy is an angel

And like any other angels,

he is growing old

His wings are getting worn out and dirty

His halo not so bright anymore

He still offers himself fully

I know he's struggling too

His wings are beginning to weigh him down 

I hate to see it but it's true

My daddy is my angel

I have to try my hardest

For my wings aren't growing yet

I want to be an angel too

Just like my dad

-

Somehow while daddy was helping me with physics, I realised he's growing old. The one who taught me my math and sciences, the one who knows-it-all, he's slowing down too. I watched as he struggled to explain a question to me and it was clear to me that he wasn't sure at all. He took so long to understand the answer sheet and he tried so hard to figure out the solution, he was trying his best. I am growing old and so is my daddy. I hate to see him age. I don't want him to struggle and it's making me feel so bad. If I were smarter and brighter, he wouldn't have to worry at all. If I could do him proud again, if. My heart aches everytime I approach him with school work because we both know he can't help me that much anymore. And it's saddening. My daddy is the greatest man in my life. My daddy is an angel and a gift from heaven. My daddy is my angel.

12

At 236

I started counting down

Because everyone started to count down

To keep track of time

To feel like we have no time

At 139

I was afraid

I panicked and I felt lost

Half of the time was wasted

In things that don't even matter anymore

At 65

I was at ease

Suddenly things felt safe

I felt like I had plenty of time

Little did I realise they were slipping away

At 32

All I cared was yet another small hurdle

Something that probably wouldn't even matter in time to come

I spend time thinking and overthinking

Now that I thinks about it

It was dumb

At 15

I told myself two weeks

To make a difference

I need time now

How much does it cost?

Right now

I don't know

I don't know

The end is coming

I'm afraid it's yet another terrible beginning

I'm not prepared at all

fall; fell; falling; fallen

"The floor seemed wonderfully solid. 

It was comforting to know I had fallen and could fall no farther."

- Sylvia Plath

15

I swear I wouldn't have use my blog space to talk about this but I couldn't bear to rant it on twitter (I care for my followers too) so it shall be done here. I don't understand. Just who do people think they are? Coming and going as and when they like, I think it's just plain rude. Nope you shouldn't start a conversation with people and end it abruptly without proper closure. That's something about social media that irks me most. Like do you think you're some big shot? So much that people are begging to talk to you? No that's impossible because I'm sure nobody would like to talk to someone like you. But I did because I am polite and I have manners. I expect people to do the same. If I bother replying you, then what makes it so difficult to reply me? Unless you didn't even have the slightest intention of replying and would really like to leave the conversation hanging there because that would be fun. No that is stupid. Just like you. I think we need to get this straight. I have the choice as to who I want to interact with. And if I decide to be nice and you take advantage of that, well, screw you. I cannot take shit from people like that, seriously. I thought it was simple manners, which somehow people like you lack. I feel sorry for you. But I won't stop being polite because that's what you're supposed to be. At the end of the day, all you did was 1. make me feel stupid for replying you 2. make yourself look dumb 3. make me feel sorry for you. Omg sigh god bless you. 

P.s I'm sorry I sound mean but this is really something that pisses me off everytime. I'm apologizing here for being harsh and blunt with my words but I'm not sorry for being ranting off/ ticked off by this kind of gesture. There I go again, I'm sorry but I'm not sorry.

16

當呼吸是照舊無常
前行仍舊遍地雪霜
當四季尚在場時
能懷抱你是最大理想
現實是日夜只懂念舊
沒有辦法放手
只妄想跟你去避世
風再急可捉緊你手

從頭開始
多多一次靠你我來重演
多多一集上集就如排練
就讓劇情緩緩改變

然而現況 是各自各一邊
但願有天會真的跟你結識暗戀熱戀多一遍
期盼來到這天
遺憾橋段可變
時間場地改變
唯獨人物不變

-

The above can briefly describe my feelings towards graduation. The idea is, if given a second chance, how would I choose to live it? Would I still do what I did and be what I've become? What would I change and how different would I end up? That's the funny thing about life, it's not a game but it fooled you all around, it gives no second chances and there's no replay. What has been done is done, no turning back and no room for regrets. The past 6 years, I've gain a lot and lose a lot. I've grown to be someone I never thought I would be. I grew more mature, independent, brave and real. I can't say it's an achievement but it surely is something I can be proud of. These years haven't been kind, I had my ups and downs and I pulled through. What's the worst that can happen? I think more, sometimes over-thinking, but I'm glad I feel more. I became quieter, I enjoy peace and I appreciate alone time. They make me reflect, something I don't bother when I was younger. I got to know great people, school has either brought us together or apart, but I'm still thankful anyway. I thank more now, I feel blessed more. I complained more now because I've learnt to acknowledge what I feel. I voice out more now because I know sometimes you need to be heard to exist. I observe more now and even though that made me spot more flaws in people, I learnt from them. Throughout the years, I've changed. I cry more now, I laugh less and I talk less. I realised it's all about the inner being. You don't have to be what everyone wants you to be. Nobody expected me to be quiet, they thought I was the usual loud happy 'ah lian' but I showed them I am not. What is more important is that I embrace it, I like to surprise people with that. I've had worse phases, people hurting me and letting me down, people leaving and all but I'm fine with it now (I refuse to admit I'm used to it although to some extent I think I am) and I understand what they meant when they say 'what's meant to be will always find its way'. That's how life is. I think everything is planned, fate sealed and change is possible but the ultimate ending is set. And it'll all be good. Everyone deserves a happy ending. At last, it was not until graduation that I realise I wouldn't want to change any thing that has happened in the past 6 years. They made me who I am today, they made me grow and I'm comfortable with who I am now (ignore those periodical self-doubt phase). I thank everyone who has helped me or made me change and my past 6 years had been a great thrilling journey. I think I don't hate schooling that much afterall.

Now, what's next?

22

快樂嗎?

那時候你所相信的事
沒有被動搖吧?

旅途上你增添了經歷
又有讓稜角消失嗎?

軟弱嗎?
你成熟了，不會失去格調吧?

當初堅持還在嗎?
刀鋒不會磨鈍了吧?

老練嗎?
你情願變得聰明而不衝動嗎?
但變成步步停下三思，會累嗎?

區區幾場成敗裡
應該不致麻木了吧?

快樂嗎?
你忘掉理想，只能忙於生活嗎?

/

我不快樂了

我累了

23

Y'know what? I sound like I'm mean and critical, because I keep it real. I don't lie and I mean what I say. Lying is too tough a job for me, because I can't remember my excuses when they pile up one after another. I also can't act nice when I'm not genuinely meaning it because I feel grossed out by myself and the feeling sucks. So I don't mind being labelled as one who's difficult to get along because I know l am. I just have to find people who can accept me for who I am. And yknow what irks me most? People being fake, people speaking without working their brains and people pretending to be something they're not. Sorry I'm mean. But people like these really irritate the hell out of me. A LOT. Let me put it across like this: acting dumb is not cute/ getting overly enthusiastic or hyped up is unnecessary/ speaking without meaning what they say is fake/ thinking that the world resolves around them is self-entitlement at its worst/ acting all generous when they're more concerned about their self-interest is, again, fake ETC. Let's not act like we're saints, shall we? Everyone is flawed and they hide it. They cover up their flaws and that's cheating. Flaws are what makes you real. Yeah I'm flawed. Probably the most flawed person ever. So most of the time I find myself rolling my eyes and thinking 'hello I can see what you're doing there' and I just can't help but to feel sorry for them. It's like they don't even know. How is that even possible? I laugh a lot in my head. I laugh at people and their stupidity. It's like, I'm not v bright and I can still act properly. So I don't understand why people can't. Everyone is flawed, I know, even the seemingly flawless people. So don't fall for their trap. Most people do though.

Yeah sorry I'm mean like that. I don't compromise to make anyone like me so it's okay if you feel like you should dislike or even hate on me after reading this entry because the thing is

I don't care.

P. s my blog is not for entertainment purposes. If you're bored, go out and get a life. I'm not here to post my thoughts and feelings to interest you. Btw, thank you if you're reading because you actually care. 

Angels

“It happens like this. 

"One day you meet someone and for some inexplicable reason, you feel more connected to this stranger than anyone else--closer to them than your closest family. Perhaps this person carries within them an angel--one sent to you for some higher purpose; to teach you an important lesson or to keep you safe during a perilous time. What you must do is trust in them--even if they come hand in hand with pain or suffering--the reason for their presence will become clear in due time."

Though here is a word of warning--you may grow to love this person but remember they are not yours to keep. Their purpose isn't to save you but to show you how to save yourself. And once this is fulfilled; the halo lifts and the angel leaves their body as the person exits your life. They will be a stranger to you once more.

-----------------------------------------------

It's so dark right now, I can't see any light around me. 
That's because the light is coming from you. You can't see it but everyone else can.” 

- Lang Leav, Love & Misadventure

25

Always look back.

It distracts from the now but it's always good to stop when you're tired, turn around and look at how far you've travelled. It hasn't been easy, it was a tough ride, so look back and be reminded of how much you gave up to get here for a reason to not give up now. No way. Giving up now isn't a choice anymore. 

Look back, see how you've grown along the way. How the things have changed you and how these changes shaped the road you're taking today. Every little thing happens in life for a reason. Look back and find out the reason. At the point in time, you wouldn't realise how a seemingly insignificant choice has changed so much of your route. 

Look back for people and things you miss, for all the good and bad times and remind yourself you're human. You're flawed, but so is everyone else. Finding the devil similar to yours is the key thing, finding an angel to lift you up is not. Look back to see what's lying ahead of you. Better days definitely. Stay hopeful, be optimistic and don't forget to always turn around and look back. 

27

如果　当晚没有分神来紧张布置
如果　不必误会再猜疑
如果　将对白说得平和　不加讽刺
如果　真的可有下次

情人们一呼一吸相爱到底　结局或同样
仍想将你我这幕　演得更理想
能修补即管修补　

不要再想　再一刻人便缺氧
熟悉的歌曲　等与你合唱

It's coming to an end soon. It seems like it was just yesterday when it began. I remember vaguely how I felt at that point, thrilled, nervous, hopeful, afraid and excited. Mixed feelings, which all slowly died down as the days passed. I'm thankful for being able to experience this, something I didn't expect at all. I'm satisfied and I know this is the furthest it will go, but it's okay. It's coming to an end. I'm still hoping for a happy ending, but I'll be fine if it isn't. I'll leave soon, so soon that I'll not leave a trace. I will be away, I will get used to it just like how I always do. 

31

Came across this twitter account @Aries_Dreams and found some extremely relatable tweets. I've always believed in horoscopes, I know how some are just applicable to all but some are really true to the specific horoscopes so....
Here are some tweets I favourited:
(so if you would like to get know me better, you should take note)

Apology accepted by #Aries, trust denied.

#Aries has a zero tolerance for bullshit.

#Aries will not hold a grudge, but they will keep it in the back of their head about how crappy a person you are.

#Aries can rarely pretend a passion they don't feel.

#Aries are easy to please, but also easy to irritate.

You're welcome. I get fed up with people easily. The things they do, the things they don't do, the way they act, their intentions etc. I'm judgmental yeah, who isn't? Society taught me well.

That's the problem isn't it? 

You are nice to people and they are nice to you. Then when time is right, they take and leave. You can't blame them. You're the fool for falling for it not once, twice, but thrice. You pulled down those walls because you never learn. You're too nice but too naive. You think people are genuine and you think they have nothing to hide but they only want what they needed and then it was goodbye. 

And then again, you learn to protect yourself once more, but people point fingers at you, they say you're mean. They judge you, they criticize you, they are afraid of you and they leave you. They don't understand and they wouldn't try to.

That's the problem isn't it?

We can't have the best of both worlds.

32

“People give flowers as present because flowers contain the true meaning of love. Anyone who tries to possess a flower will have to watch its beauty fading. But if you simply look at a flower in the field, you’ll keep it forever. That is what the forest taught me. That you will never be mine, and that is why I will never lose you.”

- Paulo Coelho

35

Thankful for this marking day, I had an awesome day with my ldr girl (hahaha), just chatting, laughing and being ourselves. Nothing can be better honestly, especially during this tough period. It's going to get tougher and I'm ready for this. Today's healing came just in time to remind me I'm still alive and I can do so much more. A little time was spent looking back at the past today, reflecting, which was really important for me to realise change is inevitable, but change for the better. And I'm turning back, I'm going to be myself again, how I used to be in the past and that is for the better. Definitely. I'm also really thankful for my girl (hello Clara if you're reading this) for always being there for me. We don't meet up often, tbh the last time we met was 4 months ago but every time we meet, I gain so much. And I'm sure our friendship will only become stronger. I'm really glad we pulled through the bad times, together or not, but we're blessed with each other's support and love so I'm really thankful. Seriously, who would have known that a cool rule-breaker in year 1 can be such a nice and thoughtful friend to a nerdy girl (me in year 1). Really cannot wait for the next we meet up (stupid As please be over now), great day and to better days ahead :-)

37

What's better than waking up knowing that you're being given a second chance? I have to say, I've lost track of what I wanted. I wanted so much at the beginning and I gave in my best to pursue but time was running out and so was my energy. I was upset about what has changed, a lot of things happened the exact opposite of what I expected them to be. I guess being confident is just not my thing. Nonetheless, I'm glad to find out, as well, that some things will never change. As much as I'm still learning to embrace it, it was a tough job but I've figured out I've adapted to it and I grew up. That's life isn't it, you pick up new things and they inspire you. They either make you, or break you. This second chance, is the last second chance I'll ever get. Too many second chances, too little meaning to it. It's the last time, there isn't much time left and I have a lot to do in this short period. As always, I have to be fine.