I don't get it

I keep myself so physically busy with things that don't even matter 

To keep my mind off you

But apparently it doesn't work that way

Everything else is a fleeting moment

They don't last

Nothing lasts

You come and go

To and fro

As you wish

I can have a thousand moments

With a thousand others

But they are nothing

As compared to that one moment

With you 

只能想像一起

但我没勇气

所以很想讨厌你

t i / r e d

I have my limits so don't test it.

Taking deep breaths work to some extent, it's like swallowing all the ugly words and never letting them out and I think I'm learning to master the art. It isn't easy to do that, especially all you want is to spill everything and let everyone know to not mess with you. I can do it ugly but I chose not to because I know how things will turn out. And I'm afraid it will happen again and I'll regret. I can suck it up, I can take it in and believe me, I am trying my best.

At some point in time, I am just tired. I am sick of having people walking all over me. I hate being nice and being taken advantage of. I am not a petty person and I can let it go. But there's a fine line between being kind and being weak. I have high tolerance for shit but I have my thresholds too. Don't forget that.

I am going to say this.

I am tired of this shit. I tried.

Inter view

Receiving the call halfway through my second day at work to inform me of an upcoming interview was such a surprise. At the moment, I was happy because: I am working and one of the (two) universities I've applied to has decided that I might be eligible. I mean, ignoring the fact that they interview all applicants. And then the next moment I began to worry. The English Language Test and the interview (mind you it's a group interview) all together at a go can be really stressful especially for someone like me, constantly stuck in the labyrinth of writing and conversing. I can write, trust me. I just can't put together the right words and sentences to make the entire thing flow. I can do discussions and communicate well. I just can't do it in front of a group of strangers who might be already judging me for the contents of my speech (or the lack of). Even though this course isn't my priority, I really hope to ace it and yes I checked online forums to be more mentally prepared but all it did was to frighten me. It was helpful in the sense that I understood how everything would supposedly be conducted tomorrow though. For now I am simply reading their brochures (yes I applied without reading brochures whatever) and randomly surfing the internet to get some inspirations, reading TC and trying to get the hang of writing. No you can't master writing in a day. Not even a year or two because look at where I am now. To be honest, I am not quite afraid of the comprehension and essay test tomorrow (even though the last time I had written was a few good months ago) because nobody will know what I have answered or written no matter how crappy they end up to be. I am terrified by the group interview because even though I know how to carry myself prim and proper, I have trouble voicing out and formulating my sentences when I feel inferior and inadequate. I am a good listener when it comes to big groups and I have always been fine with it. Interviewing would be stepping out of my comfort zone I guess. I think I can do better if it was a one-to-one thing or one-to-a-few but not a group. But then again, when life gives you lemons, you take them.

This is how it is ...

This is how you lose her.

You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: 
the sincerity in a stranger’s voice during a trip to the grocery store, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely.

You must remember when she forgets.

You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you: 
your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you’re about to ask a question but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don’t even know about yourself, because she pays attention.

She remembers when you forget.

You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable. She wants to feel cherished. When you make her feel that you are fleeting. She wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate. She wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good.

You must learn her.

You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to.
You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept.

And, this is how you keep her.

- This Is How You Lose Her - Junot Diaz

Working

I can't believe I'm saying this but I think I like working. Maybe it is true that Aries are born with restless energy and have to be kept physically busy. I like staying at home and do nothing but watch videos too, but working really makes me feel like I'm doing something productive. It also helps me step out of my comfort zone and approach more people, people with different backgrounds and experiences. It's a type of learning I guess. It is also tiring sometimes, reaching home late or having sore legs because all I do is stand around for >4 hours but a good work-life schedule just makes me enjoy both a little more.

It is challenging to juggle both but I like to feel busy. I really didn't expect myself to say this because when I was still in school, all I want was to be freed from hectic school schedules. Now I really like to fill the week up with work and outings just so I can spend less time sitting around. Or maybe this is a form of escapade, getting occupied to stop myself from (over)thinking. 

While other things in my life are just embarking on a new beginning, some are coming to an end. I have worked for it hard, but sometimes things just don't work out the way you want it to be. This is fate I guess. What's meant to be will find a way. And it always will. 

What Responsibility?

Because you can leave anytime you want

It's like you can sever ties as and when you like

People like you hold no responsibility

Because you left anytime you want 

I am responsible for what I have done and what I chose to do. Life is short and they said to live every moment so I took the easier path. It is a one-way road. I am responsible for what I have become and (in)capable of. I have no great powers but I still have great responsibilities.

Under A Blanket of Stars

"The second star to the right, shines in the night for you.To tell you that the dreams you plan really can come true."

The Try Hard

Came across photos of the Chanel catwalk show during the Paris Fashion Week 2014 on tumblr (and then realising there might be a glitch today because I couldn't reblog any photos since this morning) and the stage with the entire supermarket setting amazes me. Bringing fashion into a scene any average human can relate to is really creative.

Life hasn't been as amazing so far though. You think it would be, once you attain that 5As you have always wanted but I can tell you that hasn't been my case (if it were to happen at all). It is really disappointing to know that you can climb that high and fall down deep the next moment. It's like taking a step forward and got pushed back by 3 steps. And what's worse is that your family gets disappointed as well. I honestly thought the results I got would call for a celebration and prove to my parents that I am capable of something for once. I guess I just have to keep trying and trying harder.

University applications haven't been easy as well. Having a sister who's an undergraduate really helps a lot in the sense that I can always reach out to her for advice. I really cannot imagine filling up all the forms and going through all the cumbersome procedures all by myself. Being the youngest in the family always gives me the advantage to get help whenever I need it. Sometimes I do take it for granted (which pisses my sister off) because I get so used to asking for help I don't even spend a moment to think of a way out. It is also unhealthy because then I grow to be someone who's constantly insecure and lacking the confidence. I always need that double-check function in my life to help me get by because nothing I do myself seem to be possible. I guess this new phase in life I'm about to enter will force me to change. University applications is one hurdle I need to get across first. On a side note, applications would have been much simpler without the essay writing because (I refuse to admit though) I am not very good with words and structuring my thoughts and writing will somehow always be something I dread. Getting my fingers crossed for a smooth-sailing application. Can't wait to get enrolled into a university.

A New Phase

I spent

1/4 of today panicking

1/2 of today crying

1/4 of today recovering

To be honest, I know very well that I am not defined by the grades I get. I know those unkind alphabets on the result slip are only there to remind me the effort I put in and the determination I once had. When I got my result slip, I walked straight out of the hall and burst into tears. I didn't expect myself to cry because I thought I would either do alright or I would not be affected at all. And the tears I shed, were not tears of joy or sadness, but a mixture of both. I was happy, but I was upset. I was disappointed because I thought I was improving. Language hasn't been my forte and I know it. I honestly thought I improved. I am not so sure about that anymore though. I don't even think I can write anymore. What is scarier than being unable to articulate properly? Yes, grades do not matter (ignoring the requirements for university applications) but it really reflects the extent to which I can reach out to people through words. A limited one at that. A lot more went through my mind this afternoon when I was still in denial of my grades. That is just a passing phase I guess. Now it is time to accept and move on because crying over spilled milk is always something I try to overcome and I will. No time No time There's no time I have to keep reminding myself

You're entering a new phase

The Night Before

The day is tomorrow.
Tomorrow is the day.

The fear strikes and the human heart races upon hearing anything relating to r e s u l t s. There's no time for self doubt and expectations anymore. The future has already been cast in stone and it is just the matter of who knows it now. Tomorrow will be my turn to know, to celebrate or worry depending on what has been inked on the paper. I am nervous and I should be because I cannot guarantee a 100% that I have done my best. What if the best I thought I can only afford is not what even half of what I could do? The best that I thought I have done is matched by half of the efforts others put in. Relativity. I have that uneasy feeling every now and then and it kills me a little every time. I don't know if I am going to make it tomorrow and the comforting phrase of "what's the worst that could happen" seems useless now. I worry and I worry a lot. Whatever is going to happen tomorrow, please let it end soon.

Miracles do happen, like they did before.
But I'm afraid they only happen once.

No Risk Taker

I don't think I'll ever be ready for what's lying ahead.

Settling down and thinking about it really scares me. It is scary. It seems like it was just yesterday when you were that young and innnocent kid entering a new school, a new environment and meeting new people and the next thing you realised you are now a GCE A Level graduate. And then it is time to search for your route to continue this never-ending pursuit of achievements. It is tiring, isn't it?

I was just drafting this email to get a part-time job and it's already so tough. I have considered the fact that I may not get the job and there's really no harm trying but I cannot stop being so conscious of every single word I typed because I have to admit, I am afraid of failure. The environment I grew up in was a greenhouse. Protected, carefully managed and shield from all the storms present in the outside world. Yes I am thankful for what I have, but it is also the same thing that is holding me back. I am afraid of failure and I don't know how to handle them. I am always exploring, but only within the boundaries of my comfort zone. The things I can reach out to, they are always safe. I have never imagined myself stepping out and reaching far because I have always been contented with what I have. I want to accomplish big things but I am not confident enough to say "Yes I can" because I know I can't. I can climb the first few steps of the ladder because I know there'll always be somebody down there waiting to catch me. But the higher I climb, the more I doubt.

This world is a frightening one. I am entering the next big phase in life and every step I take is a risk. But what do I have to lose?