the one who lasts, wins

who shall remain till the very end
who will be there to wait and wither
nobody has the time
we're running out of time
no one waits for anyone
everyone is too busy
too busy helping themselves
too busy figuring their paths
too carried away with their thoughts
we're all embarking different routes
but trying to achieve the same goal
the fastest does not win
the smartest does

267/365

Can someone tell me why there are so many fools in this world ?

My morning was ruined by an encounter with 3 teachers from the disciplinary comm. Ok the story goes...

I was late for school so I attended flag raising at the foyer instead since the classes were indoors due to the drizzle. And after the disciplinary master told us off, he let us go but then he called me to stay back with two other jh girls. Two other female teachers (also from the disciplinary comm) joined in the fun and he told us to turn around. I knew it was about our hair colour. The two jh girls were released after the teachers analysed their hair and decided that the colour was natural. So it was me. It was a game seriously, 3 vs 1. So I explained that I dyed my hair brown before but I emphasized that I dyed them black again twice. And they started scrutinizing my hair and told me to cut away the ends because that's where the brown parts were. My first reaction? "I just cut them last week." In my mind? "Lol seriously you have got to be kidding me. Why not you shave your head instead because your hair colour looks like hair dye gone wrong." So they took a photo of my pony tail and let me go off. Then one of the female teachers called me from the back and of course, I was polite so I turned. I knew what she was going to talk about. Like hello I can hear the two female teachers talking about my face when the male teacher was dealing with my hair. So she asked, "did you apply make up?" I gave the are-you-frigging-kidding-me face and said "no". She asked if I applied foundation and I said, "maybe it's my sunblock." She told me to change my sunblock but I've always been using the same type of sunblock since forever so I don't really bother to change. After that, she went on and asked "did you draw your brows?" And I'm just like Whoa can you not how many faults are you trying to find?!!?!? So I said "no". Then she paused and looked at my face (seriously) and asked "did you put eyeliner?" I cannot even omg how do you seriously why do people like this exist. I was really irritated by then so I rubbed my eyes to prove that NO I DIDN'T. 

Moral of the story??

Never accuse anyone of something they haven't done. Seriously why do I feel like they were trying to find faults with me just for the sake of disciplining me. Don't you know how to respect people, isn't that like really simple you should've come across that like what, in primary school???? I don't know what's wrong but as of now I can't wait to get out of school and I'm going to return to school with rainbow streaks in my hair because yes I can.

Bunch of imbeciles seriously. Ugh. 

266/365

I could stare at the moon and wonder forever.

I don't quite know what is it about the moon that keeps me mesmerized. She is a beauty, an almost perfect creation that can brighten the night sky even in the absence of stars. She lights up the dark so gently with grace. There's something special I love about the moon. You see, my study table is right beside the windows. I get bored and tired easily but working at night with the moon seems more bearable. I feel like she's a friend of mine, staring back at me, waiting for me no matter how long I take to work and I can almost hear her whispering to me, telling me to not give up. I admire her determination to shine. She has no choice but to remain at that position even when she's being blocked by the clouds but she never gives up. And when she can't be in control she'll choose a new path. She would rise above the thick layer of clouds and continues to shine. I know she'll be able to make her way out. Just as I type this, she's being covered and I couldn't find her. I waited and waited and knew she would be fine. And now there she is, rising even higher above the clouds, looking brighter than ever. She understands what it feels like to be human. She might seem lonely but she never allowed that to take her down. She is cratered with imperfections but that's what make her perfect. She never asks for more and she takes none. She's a beauty that is irreplaceable. 

She's always there. 

And that's what I need. 

Someone to be always there.

I could stare at the moon and wonder forever.

265/365

Somewhere, somehow, I miscalculated. I can't count. There are so many things I can't predict, I can't expect and I don't know what to expect. I feel like I am standing in the middle of crossroads, waiting to be knocked down any moment. I feel like I am drowning but I can swim. I'm gasping for air but I am breathing. I'm happy but I'm crying. My life is a paradox. It was good until things change, people change and everything changed. What's left here is a mess. 

260/365

“Sometimes I worry that my whole life will be based about what’s comfortable and easy. I’ll care too much about what makes me feel good to ever really reach for anything. And then I worry that even if I do, I won’t succeed.”

• Julia Hoban •

256/365

As much as I know I'm going to do badly (yes like really badly) for my JCTs, I'm still not prepared for the results. I know common tests are graded anymore (omg no prelims please) but I just can't help to feel nervous about it. I kept preparing myself for the worst because that's the only thing I can do right now but I know I'll never be prepared. I am already imagining myself being upset tomorrow and I don't want to lose my temper. I choose to believe I'm in control but when am I ever in control? Or when am I ever using this gift wisely? I don't know how I'll react but I hope I take it easy as it comes because I really don't want to embarrass myself on the first day of (normal) school. All I know now is to take deep breath and calm myself down from all that occasional homesickness I'm getting because I'm running out of solutions to help myself feel better. I feel so trapped I need people to stop telling me what to do. I know what to do I just don't feel like it right now and I know that's just an excuse but I really need a break like a real break to let me get away from all these crazy shit stuff that's weighing me down. Maybe sleeping can help me temporarily but I can't sleep forever (or maybe I can) and something is to go to bed at night because that would mean I have to wake up again in the morning to face the world and I'm so sick of that routine and to have nothing to look forward to everyday. I wish I can slow down time so I do things at my own pace or feel less guilty not doing fast enough. But then again I hope time flies so I can fast forward to the time when I leave this plane for good. To be honest I really don't know what I want.

256/365

136 days I can do this.

If I can hold it in for the past 5 years, I can sure survive this year as well. Afterall it's just one more year. I've changed and I've tried and I've learnt so much these years, maybe my journey up till this year would be worthwhile. Just a little more, bit by bit and it'll be over before I know it. Really? 

Okay. Can't wait for it to happen. 

Till then, 

I'll get what I've always wished for. 

A one way ticket out of here. 

I'll taste what I've missed.

Freedom. 

I can leave everything behind. 

Everything.

That'll be my very happy ending.

254/365

Two posts in a day
Wow
I probably have too much to say
Too much on my mind
Too little time
Too little space
But I'm still going to post it
Because I'm in control

Today was a really simple day, one of the days I felt relaxed and zen while everyone else had a great/bad time at the beach (oh yeah sports carn). I don't know. I gave it up and chose to stay home because I just don't feel like it. And when people ask me why, I couldn't answer. There was no answer. You know that feeling you get when you know you wouldn't enjoy doing something? Or that feeling you get when you know you can do something that makes you calm? Yeah I get that a lot and I choose to do things that kept myself sane. You know I probably should regret not attending an event which would perhaps be the last time in my life unless I decide to attend it again next year without feeling awkward or ashamed but yeah, I didn't. And not to forget the fact that I gave it a miss last year as well. But nope, I was fine. Totally fine. It would have been a crazy day waking up early, travelling all the way to the other side of the country and sitting by the beach enjoy/wasting my life away but today was my usual wake-up-at-12, lunch and grocery shopping which I really really enjoyed. So no regrets.
And so I had time today and I think. I think I think a lot. I don't know if it's good or bad because I might be overthinking but yeah. I like to evaluate my life, analyse people and their behaviour. Sometimes it amazes me, but most of the time it disappoints me. Just this afternoon when I woke up and checked my phone I was worked up and upset because I realised trust is just too big a word (hence the previous post). Yeah you know that feeling when you thought you can trust someone and then they decided to give it up and all you're left with is feeling betrayed or a simple quick stab right through you? Or maybe the problem is that I expect too much. So maybe I'm the problem. That I (used to) think that (most) people are genuine because it really turns out they aren't. One problem with people is that everyone is self-centred. The things they do are ultimately for themselves. I admit I am self-centred too and that's why I chose to do things for myself even if they might upset others. And it is precisely this problem with being self-centred that makes people lose trust. Because they do things only for themselves and can't be bothered about other things. Well at least I made sure I don't/try not to fall short of people's expectations (unless maybe I decided to pair up a picture of sky with my count down because I'm not sorry that I'm too cool) so why should others?

I'm going to end the post abruptly
Because unfortunately I lost my train of thoughts
Although this is a blabbering post
I meant what I said
That I'm beginning to lose trust in people
And that I learnt that
Ultimately
You can only trust yourself

255/365

People like you is the reason why I have trust issues.

Thank you.

254/365

Looked through my archives and found this entry I typed but didn't post for various reasons I can't recall. And this made me think. But as of now, I'm feeling happy because I'm doing what I like to do and not doing what I don't. I think I'm gradually learning to get less affected by others and start living for myself and acknowledging what I really feel (although that's kind of selfish in a way) but truly, I am becoming happier.

So here goes.

-

"If it makes you happy, do it. 

If it doesn't, don't."

Really? 

Is it that simple? 

What if what makes you happy kills others? What do you do? Because no matter what, you'll be unhappy. Is that why no one can ever be happy? Living for themselves or living for others? When do you choose which? What do you follow? Your heart or your brain? But even following your heart alone is so difficult. What does your heart tell you? Mixed confused feelings, there's no clear sign of which path to take. Then how do I decide? I want myself to be happy, that's what they told me to do. But making myself happy at the expense of others makes me unhappy too. How ironic. How would I end up? Emotionless. The problem with being able to feel complicates when you don't know whether to feel more for yourself or for others. And that's always what makes people unhappy. 

You can never be happy.

Because being happy can make you unhappy.

So ultimately who defines my happiness?

253/365

On my way home from school and omg I love empty trains. That's the good thing about leaving early. These two days was unfortunately wasted on SHLF and I should feel bad for saying that because that wouldn't acknowledge the efforts put in by the teachers (ok now I did) but sorry I'm not sorry. Anyone bother explaining to me the entire purpose of this event? I expected SHLF to be useless but I actually (surprisingly) went to school on wednesday with a mindset to at least learn a thing. But uh nope, nothing. How about learning that coming to SHLF is ungainful? Too bad it's my last year, oh regrets. So when I first went to the PAC on wednesday for the opening address by a speaker who can't express himself properly, kept laughing which was irritating but ok funny and probably doesn't have much substance (I cannot understand how the things he put forth were relevant so I assume). I spent my time talking and laughing (of course) with rachel and yeah shan't miss out on that part whereby a student had a question to ask the speaker but he made it sound like an econs lecture instead. Seriously dude, speak with a point and I know my econs concept so that's too much. But ok I have to admit it was really funny I laughed till my stomach ached. I should feel bad but really no I'm not. I guess I'm confused huh. Anyway the 1.5 hour opening address ended with a lecture by the level head about how disappointed she was. Yeah me too, disappointed by the opening address. Headed to our first workshop on crisis management (seriously what's a bigger crisis than having to attend SHLF). There goes my 3 hours. I kind of realised celebrating my youth on Monday was wasted because I just wasted 3 hours of my youth on this. Anyway it was spent stoning, asking why why why, leaving halfway for food with rachel because we couldn't take it anymore and back and stone and try to calm down because it's frustrating. I hate how they think the workshops are making us learn because obviously no one is learning. Come on, let's admit it, who analyses situations before they deal with them because it comes naturally.  Ok maybe not for some people but whatever. I don't need crisis management. It ended and we went for lunch but kind of not, we just stood around deciding if we should leave and we left in the end because the rest of the day shouldn't be wasted anymore. Yeah ok we learnt!

Today saw the second part of the SHLF, begin the day with a photography workshop with almost 0 information about photography and 70% of it was about the photographer. Who is actually the wedding photographer of one of the teachers. Seriously can the school be more sincere in organizing the workshops. Just by randomly engaging a wedding photographer, you expect us to learn? I'm impressed. Anyway, there weren't much technical stuff and the photography ended in 1 hour but the teacher in charge decided to waste more of our time so he went on to talk about whatever he said because I couldn't be bothered to pay attention. 

House interaction in the hall afterwards, the beginning was just stupid, poorly planned so we just stoned there. The later part where there was a captain's ball match between homa and bennu was funny (less of exciting) because everyone was just chasing after this ball and the ball kept slipping out of their hands and some guy always has that funny moves. I can't stop laughing throughout the match.

After the short match (which was probably the most fun thing) we went down to the canteen to have pizza. I came specially for the pizza which I paid $3.50 for and was slightly upset that I wasn't hungry anymore when I had the pizza. Stoned a while more and left school at 12.45pm thank god for the back gate, it's like the gateway to freedom. I still cannot understand how the school thinks this is going to benefit us because who knows what's the best for us other than ourselves? You can provide but you cannot force us into learning/doing something we feel wouldn't benefit us. You cannot expect us to respond the same way you want us to because we can have choice too. And if our choice is to forgo the activities lined up for us because we think we have better thins to do than these, then so be it. Why do things that will just upset everyone? 

So anyway now I'm ending this post with myself finally at home and completed a set of Pilates workout, it was really tough but I could feel the strain so I hope it helps!! Going out tonight to the airport for dinner and to fetch my sis who's coming back from Korea today! Can't wait and looking forward to see the things she bought for me too! I've missed her so much (thank me if you're reading this)! 

Ok bye.

251/365

today marks the end of my July common test (which I honestly screwed up so badly can I just don't get back the results) and went home right after the paper which ended at 950am. Had plans with mommy to shop around tampines so I was really excited. Reached home an hour later, bathed and surfed the Internet (it has been awhile since I last on my computer for leisure purposes) while waiting for mommy to wake up (she woke up at 12noon haha). Dressed up because I had this sudden urge to doll up  (ok I just felt slightly more girly so I dug up my sister's blue dress) and headed out at around 1+pm. Went for lunch, had my favourite fish soup with super yummy egg floss and shopped around the 3 malls. Bought stuff (omg finally retail therapy) which made me really happy and we just had some great mother-daughter time together. Got so tired we went to have roti pratas at the food court and sat there talking. Ok basically my entire day was just roaming around the malls. We went into the face shop haha where I tried their nail polish and had a fun time threatening my mom to do on her nails just so I can ruin them. Then we visited the night market near the mrt station (thank god for it because we ran out of places to roam and had so much time to kill before we got hungry for dinner). Had dinner at toast box and some great chat, I love my mom really. Okay so the things I bought today were: 2 iPod touch covers from smiggle, body shop tea tree face mask, a little twin stars comb, some socking for my piano paddles and a maroon dress with cross stitches. And also I was crazy over wedged sneakers and whatsapped my sis (who's in Korea rn) to get them for me and she got it!! Thank god for a sis who's so willing to help me get stuff, she seemed like she's shopping on my behalf seriously I'm really thankful for her. Okay some pictures to end off this post before I head to bed to whine about the lousy SHLF for the next two days which is just a waste of time. Seriously I'll rather have revision lessons already, I don't need crisis management lesson because the worst we can get here is haze, I don't need photography lessons because ok I think I'm ok with it and maybe ok philosophy and interview skills may help but yeah whatever why can't we have holidays for the rest of the week I've had enough I need a break!!!

Okay sorry but picture time!!

shucks I really want this

trying on a pair of wedged sneakers at neo look but hey my sis got me better ones yeah yeah yeahhhhhh

248/365

Just a short post after (most of) my ct papers

It was a great day (only after my 2 papers today) and all was well, I was learning new pieces on the piano, helping my sis pack for her trip to korea tonight and waiting for mom to come back from hk. Just 10 minutes ago, I was at the door welcoming my mom in but before that I heard her calling out telling there was a lizard on our door. I didn't exactly know what to do because I was inside the house and I had to open the door somehow so I can deal with lizard. I just grabbed the usual mop thing that I always used to tackle house lizards and tried to swipe it away. So the lizard sense movement and started to climb up my door!! The higher it goes, the harder it will be for me to hit it. And then it stopped at the rim of my door, I aimed and swiped (in an outward direction) and it kind of disappeared so I thought all was alright and asked my mom to enter. She did and then I lightly pointed to the corner of the door where I thought the lizard was at initially AND THEN THE LIZARD APPEARED AGAIN AND CHARGED TOWARDS ME. no joke. it was targeting at me, charging at full speed I had so little time to react. All I could do was hit it frantically (right word) but the mop gave way and the lizard changed its course and slipped to the back of my fridge. Great I can't do anything now, can't spray anything without risking an explosion. I slammed and whacked the walls but yeap, nothing came out (except dust ew). So now it's in my house and I'm really frustrated because lizards are cunning sly creatures I hate them. Why can't they just go to my neighbour's house??? Okay that's bad but they aren't afraid of lizards so why not.. I hate it because everytime it comes out scaring my mom and my sis I'll have to do the dirty job to attack it (why can't my dad be here at this moment why) and yeap. I googled for ways to kill them, most of the people on the forums told me to get rid of them insteading of killing them but NO I'LL KILL THEM WATCH ME because they cheated they're liars and they're scheming. Empty egg shells and moth balls can make them move out okay I'm going to the supermarket to buy tons of moth balls and make sure they die under the smell and weight lol. Just kidding please lizard can you just get out of my house kindly, there's windows in the storeroom opened for all, it's a great place with sunshine, warmth and everything you'll need (friends maybe) so please, just go there will you?? Get out of my dear kitchen and stop annoying/scarying my family. PLEASE I BEG YOU.

244/365

人不是鱼，怎会了解鱼的忧愁； 

鱼不是鸟，怎会了解鸟的快乐； 

鸟不是人，怎会了解人的荒唐； 

人不是鸟，怎会了解鸟的自由； 

鸟不是鱼，怎会了解鱼的深沉； 

鱼不是人，怎会了解人的幼稚； 

你不是我，怎会了解我。

243/365

“Every deep thinker is more afraid of being understood than of being misunderstood.”