242/365

Let this be a wake up call

So sit back

Relax

And watch me fall

241/365

Everyday I'm just dying a little more.

My heart will cease one day

I'll drown in this deep sea of silence

I'll never breathe again

I'll struggle and stop and lie down silently

I'll look up into the sky and stare blankly

I'll feel nothing

Nothingness will envelope me

I'll see nothing

Black darkness and emptiness

I'll cry silently and watch my heart tear

Breaking apart so slowly

Lines of weakness widening

Cracks enlarging

Peeling off layer by layer

I'll call for help but nothing will be heard

Vacuum silence stillness

Nothing

Nobody

Nowhere

But it's alright

I won't be afraid

because my heart would be dead

240/365

The past 3 days were well spent in the SMU SOE gsr (group study room), thankful for a sister who's in university and so I can have a big empty room to myself, aware from distractions so it's just me and my notes. I really felt like a university student these few days, going into the campus that is so much better than my own school and just acting like you know your way. It was fun and I really loved the room and I regretted not going there earlier because it's so much better than studying in nlb (where almost everyone said it was conducive but not for me because ugh people) and maybe I just need some space, privacy and alone. I need to be alone. Being alone calms me surprisingly. The me two years ago would be so afraid to be alone, always needing some friends around so I wouldn't look so out of place but now it's just: I wouldn't mind being alone at all. Insecurities make people think they can't do things alone. Eating alone, studying alone, shopping alone, what's so weird about it? Everyone came to this world alone (ok other than twins or triplets or quadruplets but they still come out one by one) so what's the big deal? Solitude feels good. We need friends, yes, but not all the time. Not everyone is meant to stay, not everyone can be there 24/7 and not everyone is willing to help. There are always some things that no one can help you but yourself. So spending time alone, just me, myself and I is just as productive and effective. Ok back to the topic. Fell in love with the gsr (such a great place) really, just waking up at 7 in the morning and head to dhoby ghaut to get Starbucks (because shops aren't opened yet) and just walk to the building. Tap your pass (ok I took my sister's pass), take the lift, walk/wander and in you go. Lovely. Sweet. Silent. That feeling I get when I enter the room is magical. Big windows with some museum outside (have no idea what museum) and just you and your beautiful scenery. It's like being in another world. A world that I can control, where I have freedom and yet I'm protected. Then you just have to sit down, get comfortable and study. And occasionally use your phone to Instagram and check twitter because once you let social media enter your life, it's not that easy to leave it. Then some reflection time as your study break and think. Think about people, think about things, things that make you happy and things that disappoint you. Think of what you feel and probably begin to feel sorry for yourself. For always being tired and making yourself do so many things that you now regret. Then wake up from those deep thoughts and realise you haven't been reading much from your notes. Start to read again, wait, read, wait till my sister comes back from her meeting and study a bit more together. Go for toilet breaks. Read again. Okay 7pm and time to go for dinner and then home. And then now here I am, just thinking about school reopening on Monday and I'm honestly so not ready for it. I hate the thought of it. Yucks. Not so much about the July CTs which I've already half given up so yeap. Nothing much. Just tired. Really tired. 4 weeks just like that. Like nothing. Empty. I have no idea. So many things to think about but not a single one is worth the time. It's just me. Problems. Me. Sounds the same. Ok need to stop this rambling. Bye.

Some happy photos to sum up my 3 days.. Here goes

239/365

They think they understand

but what do they know?

They only see the sides

that I choose to show.

Everyone is different, 

we make our own lives,

Why bother about others

when we can be divine?

Is it enough

to just do your best,

But no, darling,

you can never win the rest.

Remember

nothing is perfect, 

everything has flaws.

This is no wonderland, 

one day we will fall.

238/365

Safeguarded.

A small space I grant myself to say what I feel without the fear of being judged. This is the furthest I can go to stay true to myself.

Please don't take it away.

235/365

“You don’t ever have to apologize for feeling sad. You aren’t being too sensitive. You aren’t imagining things or being overdramatic. You’re being true to yourself by honoring your emotions, and that is never something you have to feel ashamed of. Whether you have a need that isn’t being met, an old wound that’s been reopened, a person in your life who is making you feel small, a painful memory of something from the past, or an emptiness from the loss of someone you care about — there is always something underlying our sadness, and whatever it is, it’s important and valid. Whatever it is, it deserves to be expressed and felt.”

- Daniell Koepke

233/365

I don't know if I'll ever be good enough.

I'm sorry I can't be as good as you. I know I'm that brainless freak who's always relying on you and not working my way out but really, I tried. I wouldn't ask if I didn't have to, I wouldn't dare to anyway. Tbh my heart sinks a little everytime I know I need your help because I'm afraid. I feel so worthless. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong and apparently everything is. But you won't know. You wouldn't know how it feels like to be me. Well, you never have to try. It's natural for you I guess: to have everything at your fingertips, to be smart and capable of so many things I can never achieve. You never have to try to be good enough. You're always good enough. Topping classes (and even your level) and getting scholarships seemed so easy. But I just couldn't get all that. These 2 years I've been trying to change, I tried shutting myself out and focusing on what's important but now I'm losing grip. It's taking a toll on me and I'm tired. It's just not natural to get all that from me. I don't know why. I can't give up now anyway because I have responsibilities and I can't back out. I wonder how it feels like to be you. I want to be like you. I want to be capable and I want people to look up to me. To envy me. Is it tiring too? Is it difficult because being on top of the world leaves you with no place to fall? I want to try that. I'm only struggling here, trying my best and still only reaching the checkpoint that is nowhere near the peak.

When will I ever reach the peak?

232/365

Someone please tell me  it's normal to feel like the lousiest shit ever when revising ....

It's normal

.

.

.

right?

Because that's how I constantly feel.

Lol.

229/365

Happy Father's Day !!!

Finally spent a Father's Day with daddy this year (after so many years of him not being in Sg on this special day) and I hope he's feeling our love!

I'm really thankful for my dad, he's the best man and the man of life, he's the big guy when I needed support and he's also the great friend who's always willing to listen and give unconditionally. He's a gift from heaven and I'm really thankful to have him with me through my many ups and downs.

He's the big man in the family. He never whines about his problems, he doesn't reveal much of them to us anyway (because he thinks he can handle everything and most of the time he can). He offers himself readily whenever we needed him and he's always the smartest and most capable one in the family. 

He loves us. He can be really strict and even though he doesn't show his love as obviously, he does it through actions. He can scold really badly but after I learnt my lesson, he'll return to comfort me. He made sure I understand what went wrong before offering millions of solutions to my problems. He laugh at me sometimes too but that's fine, that's how we build up our relationships to go beyond just the father-daughter limit. 

He's a friend of mine. He knows almost every little thing, my habits, my pet peeves, what I love and what I hate. He knows when to provide me with support and when to correct me when I go overboard. He gives and never wants to take from me. He only wants us to be happy. And we are happy.

Here's a list of things he did for me and I want to remember them forever:

1. Making trips over to Sg just to spend time with us even though he can travel less now because we're older but he still makes the effort the come back whenever possible because I told him I needed/wanted him to be there

2. When he's overseas, he calls every night to make sure we sleep early and to wish us a goodnight no matter how late it is. He tucks me into bed every night to make sure I get the blankets over so I wouldn't catch a cold and he hugs me so tightly every night as if I would run away any moment. 

3. He buys me things even though he thinks it's a waste of money because he knows I wanted them (he dotes on me because I'm the younger one too I think). Even if he doesn't allow me to buy the things I want, he'll try to get me alternatives so I wouldn't be upset. 

4. He sides me most of the time when my sis and I get into fights. He hates it when I cry too. He says he wants me to happy and crying is for sad people only. He wants me to optimistic and helps me to do so even though it may be one of the darkest moments.

5. He looks out for the latest edition of my favourite comic book even though I've already forgotten about it most of the time. He texts me to ask about things I once mentioned I wanted and get them for me if he could.

6. He cooks for us everyday because we like to eat home cooked food and I know it's really tiring for him but he told us he loved cooking so we wouldn't stop him

7. He supported me in trying out new things like getting me a blender to make juices. He even drank celery juice with me everyday although I know he probably doesn't really like the smell of it. 

He tells me he loves it though.

He bought me a tablet when I was in year 2 because I briefly doodled on scrap papers and he said I should draw into the computer so he could keep them. 

He bought me a super thick guidebook on how to use a DSLR (that costed a bomb) because I wanted to buy a DSLR a few years back then and he wanted to make sure I know how to use it before he get it for me. Turns out I didn't read past the first two pages and I forgot about buying a DSLR.

He gives me the support I needed to try out new things even if my mom was against it and I really appreciated his thoughtfulness.

8. He spend days teaching me physics even though he may not be able to retain much from his school days but he made sure I understood the concepts before we move on. He's so patient and doesn't scold even if I kept dosing off right in front of him and he'll set aside an hour for me to take naps because he knows I needed them so bad I would've died if I couldn't sleep. He even bought lime juice and cookies to keep me awake during revision periods.

9. He wakes up so much earlier than me to make sure I wake up because I can never do that with my alarm clock. He'll start to pity me when I looked like a dead pig and needed so much more sleep (I'm a super heavy sleeper) so he'll off my alarm to make sure I can sleep till noon (or past noon). He also rushes me to sleep every night because he knows how badly I regret it every morning when I need to wake up. He'll warn me about my pimples (when I didn't even take note of them) and tells me it's because I lack sleep. He goes to watsons to find out about different skin care products and masks so we can take better care of our poor complexions and to me, that's not something an average dad would do.

10. He jokes about almost everything and he doesn't get offended even though some jokes are really quite rude but he's totally fine and he's just like a bigger brother. He loves me for who I am and doesn't hate me for things I do even though sometimes I hate myself too but yeah. He knows what I'm up to and will give so much advices I wouldn't be able to digest in time.

I wouldn't say my dad is the best dad in the world because every dad is the greatest man to their children but my dad certainly offers just the love I would ever need and that's enough. He loves me more than I love myself.

I love you dad.  

224/365

is it okay if I break down now because I don't think I can hold it in any longer. is it okay for this to stop now because I don't know if I can do this anymore. but no I can't, I can't cry because everyone is crying now and I can only remain on the verge of tears. I shan't add on to the burden. I can't break down now because I need to comfort others, I need to give hugs and joke around to make things less serious. I really would love to cry and scream and tell everyone no please stop this hurts. I don't know what I can do to stop this but tell me and I'll do it. I'll do whatever it takes to solve this because I want this to end. The problem is no one understands, we can't knock sense into her and make her think. She's shutting us out, she doesn't learn, she doesn't know what's wrong. I feel upset I don't want this to happen I don't even recognize her now. Can time rewind back to the days when everything was okay and we were happy and we laughed and ate and joked around happily. Now it's only a one man show. And I'm tired. I can't stay a clown forever because I want to break down now and let everything out. Will you listen? Will that make you think? Will you change? Please. All I want is a family hug now and let this end.

And one big brown bear hug especially for my dad.

222/365

Survived through 7 hours of street sales for service learning today oh yeah. Tiring as hell really because standing/walking around for such a long period of time isn't really easy (except for shopping trips maybe) and not to forget approaching people to ask for donations which meant talking/repeating the introductory sentence >100 times.

Woke up at 8.10am and was supposed to meet the rest at 9.40am at parkway taxi stand but was 15+ min late (ended up stupidly waiting inside the mall instead of outside at the taxi stand so that accounts for the 5+ min). Signed the verification letters, took the merchandises and set off in pairs after an awkward briefing which lasted for 20 min. There was considerably less traffic in the morning obviously so we were all sian max and just situated at a traffic light to target those poor pedestrians. Got sick of it and left, walked around finding a nice settling spot (got my koi) and finally reached the back part of Rachel's church with pretty good traffic. She did most of the talking though, I just stood at a side and pose with the merchandises. About noon time (which was 2+ hours into our street sales), there were more people because church service ended and our tin got heavier (thank goodness rachel has good relations haha). Okay and for the remaining hour before lunch it was really just approaching people, asking for donation and thanking them even if they didn't donate. I'm really surprised by how some people just donate 10$ notes as if they're coins (because to me 10 bucks is a lot) and I'm reconsidering giving up on humanity. Feels good to see people donate generously and not asking for returns /merchandise. I need to learn from them!!

At 1pm it was the end of the first session so others left but rachel and I (who wanted to serve so much) had signed up for the second session (4 hours omg) so it was our lunch break. Went to cotton on  to look at the sale items because duh it's GSS and got myself 3 pretty notesbooks and rachel got a kids water bottle (quite nice I'm regretting not buying). Spent like more than half of our lunch break there and then we headed to subway for their 5$ combo meals and me grossing rachel out by telling her I love ham because it looked like dogs' tongues. Ok I just thought it was cute. We talked a little and had to report back to the organizers late but they're kind of cool about it so. Then we started off our torturous 4 hour street sales which almost killed us. Had some funny encounters though like a man who dropped his iPad because he was trying to keep his wallet after donating. And I wished him to have a nice day before he dropped it haha the irony. Another encounter which made me slightly disheartened was that an aunty shouted at me (yes people turned to stare) when I offered help but she thought I wanted her to donate money.... Ok I felt embarrassed but at least I wasn't guilty of not trying to help. Anyway, then the 4 hours ended 'soon enough' after we went to get drinks and sat down for 20 min because we were seriously really really tired. End of story.

Now I'm having leg muscle cramps but I thought today was still a day well spent because I did it for a cause so yeap. Trying to catch up with my revision now because I'm lagging behind by a day on schedule (although I'm still slacking look at me blogging now when I should be revising). Okay that's all I'm kind of calmed now *zen* and the emotional posts for the past 2 days were products of my pms. Really.

221/365 Little Prince

6

Oh, little prince! Bit by bit I came to understand the secrets of your sad little life . . . For a long time you had found your only entertainment in the quiet pleasure of looking at the sunset. I learned that new detail on the morning of the fourth day, when you said to me:

"I am very fond of sunsets. Come, let us go look at a sunset now."

"But we must wait," I said.

"Wait? For what?"

"For the sunset. We must wait until it is time."

At first you seemed to be very much surprised. And then you laughed to yourself. You said to me:

"I am always thinking that I am at home!"

Just so. Everybody knows that when it is noon in the United States the sun is setting over France.

If you could fly to France in one minute, you could go straight into the sunset, right from noon. Unfortunately, France is too far away for that. But on your tiny planet, my little prince, all you need do is move your chair a few steps. You can see the day end and the twilight falling whenever you like . . .

"One day," you said to me, "I saw the sunset forty-four times!"

And a little later you added:

"You know--one loves the sunset, when one is so sad . . ."

"Were you so sad, then?" I asked, "on the day of the forty-four sunsets?"

But the little prince made no reply.

220/365

Me: Daddy you're still playing that game. How's it? Fun?

Dad: Yeah and it's not that difficult.

Me: Really. How many times have you won?

Dad: Once.

Me: Haha then how many times have you played?

Dad: It doesn't matter how many times you try, as long as you win.

Me: Wow ok.

Found this old paragraph which I came across 2 years ago. I'm glad the younger me understands how the older me feel right now.

219/365

I'm just wondering... 

What if they ask if I'm alright

And I say no

How will they react ?

[/edit]

What's the problem?

Maybe I was wrong

To think I mattered

218/365

I don't understand.

Why are people so selfish? How is it that they can do things and make decisions without considering about others? The thing is that they can't even see the need to think about others. They only care about themselves. Care about what they can get. They only want benefits. They do things because they like it. They feel good. But I'm sick of this. The world isn't nice at all. They only care about what you've got to offer them and they'll conveniently forget about you if you have none because you're worthless. Useless. And then here I am, constantly worrying about how others feel, carefully managing the things I do, but now I see the point. There's no point. I guess I'll be fine on my own. Well, if they can do it, why can't I?

Or maybe I'm selfish too. Because now I care about how I feel. I need to learn to feel like them (or not at all). I'll learn to think like them. It's not easy and it doesn't feel good but this is it. I just have to try. Because I'm so sick and tired trying to be good enough for everyone and there's no way I can make it. The constant change in their wants, I can never satisfy all of them. I can try again though, but who's going to try again for me?

213/365

It's the first day of June today and half a year will be gone soon. I can already imagine myself stressing and freaking out before the July CTs and that scares me. Today marks the first day of my revision (supposedly) but as usual, I slacked off by waking up at 1pm although my alarm clock went off at 9am. What's new? I really need to pull my lazy ass off the bed every morning now and that's probably the toughest job (even the revision part comes second). I still haven't gotten back the drive yet, still don't feel the sense of emergency and that's really bad. My results so far proved to me nothing. I might look like I have improved because somehow I managed to get As for both math and econs (!?!?) but it's feels kind of surreal. I know I didn't work hard for the tests and getting results like this frightens me. I don't deserve them. And what's worse is what if I can't keep up with that?? It'll all show during the exams and I wouldn't want it to happen. I don't want to have high hopes/expectations just to crash badly later. I've been through that and I know how terrible it feels. I tried to feel thankful for getting good grades but really, I'll rather get lousy grades now just to get good ones later. Because keeping up with good ones is harder than improving.

I know I've been saying this but I really need to pull myself together. Stop slacking. Stop wasting time on useless stuff. Stop drifting off during revision. Start concentrating. Start doing what I'm supposed to do. And for now, it's time to shut out from all distractions.

I hope my efforts will pay off. But I'll have to begin by first putting in effort. I hope I'll not have to worry a bit a month from now (my first paper). I hope for a lot of things and I hope they all happen.

But "the world is not a wish-granting factory" and I know that. But it wouldn't hurt just by hoping.... right?

"Be so good they can't ignore you."

On a lighter note,

my two new casio watches (illuminator in pink turned out to be small so it suits my wrist size well thank goodness)

used cocoppa on my phone and I'm really loving my homescreen with the cute icons

sis and daddy looking good