[October]

The year is coming to an end soon...I'm quite surprised I managed to pull through Common Tests and Promos (although with horrible grades) and now I'm just sitting down, thinking of how I'm going to deal with the remaining days before A levels. To be honest, I'm really disappointed with my promos' grades. I knew something was wrong. Although my grades during the common tests weren't the best, but at least it made me feel like my hard work did pay off, at least a little. But now? I've been calculating and recalculating my scores to make sure I don't make any mathematical errors and to my disappointment, my math didn't fail me this time round. I know I could have done so so so much better than this. I know. How can it be that people are improving and I'm just getting worse?? How on earth did I identify wrongly for a simple data response question?? I can't say I deserve to get much higher than what I've gotten, but I can say that I can really perform much better than this. I just want to improve from last year, is it really that difficult?

I've been through worse but I never learn. I knew what has to be done but I did nothing. At the end of every year, I regret. And as the next year begin, and soon end, I'm going to regret all over again.

I guess the previous years made me more reserved. The fear of failing all over again drove me to work harder this year (at least the first half of the year) and I have to admit I missed out on lots of fun. I appeared more individualistic (like what some people used to describe me) and despite being slightly affected, I just couldn't be bothered. There were much more important things on my mind.
I have also spent more time thinking. Thinking about everything. About people, about what others think of me, about how I'm doing in class, about everything that mattered. Or not. Oh yeah, I spent more time crying at night too. I became more emotional I guess.

This is just a random train of thoughts that I wish to take down. Perhaps something worth remembering. That I've once felt so weak. So small.