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Screw(ed) today (or yesterday since I'm referring to Monday but it's already past 12 so). Yeah who wakes up thinking that the paper was a case study paper and feels slightly less nervous because she hasn't been well prepared. And then she finds out subsequently that it was an essay paper. Me. 3 essays. 2 hours 15 minutes. Blank mind. My instant reaction was to break down. But I didn't. I didn't because I couldn't. I couldn't let my family see how much I wanted to give up, how much I wanted to die at that moment and how stupid I felt. I honestly felt like ditching the exams today because all I could think of was, what's the point? Thank goodness it was an afternoon paper so I had some little time left to prepare myself mentally. We went for lunch then before I left to meet ruiqi. Wanted to cry on the way so badly. Dad blurted out a sentence that made me felt like I've been squeezed so hard I'm gasping for air. He told me to just ask to be retained. Honestly, that was probably the last thing you would want to say to someone going through a life crisis. I managed to hold back my tears though. I know I was tearing but I sniffed quietly and thank you the sun for the being so bright I can squint my eyes to contain the  tears. Anyway, lunch was tough. I had to force myself to eat even though I totally lost my appetite. The food was tasteless. I felt like I wasted my money. Then I was glad that I gave it up soon enough and left. Before heading the mrt station, I detoured to the toilet. Yeah I couldn't hold it anymore I broke down. I was embarrassed with my eyes all red and watery and a few aunties were staring at me. I felt slightly better when I let it out. I left, I took the train, I met ruiqi, I went to school, I felt like dying every second, I waited outside the hall, I saw people, I hated the heat, I entered the hall, I sat down and I did the paper. The paper wasn't as tough. But my mind was blocked, it was unclear, I couldn't think of anything to write and my structure was horrendous. I was going to flunk it. Definitely.

I had such a bad day today.

And tomorrow would be the same.